


The Day I Found Myself

by OceanTiger



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, POV Jean Kirstein
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2015-09-21
Packaged: 2018-04-04 22:35:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4155531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OceanTiger/pseuds/OceanTiger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean is lost, and he has been trying to find himself for a while now with no such luck. All through his childhood he felt like the odd one out, but now since he is starting University he feels as if it is time to change that. This is the story of how Jean Kirstein finds himself with a little help from a boy he knows.. A boy named Marco Bott!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. New Friends Equals New Problems

**Author's Note:**

> Hello Everyone! So this is the first chapter of my story about Jean and Marco. It may seem a bit boring and slow at first, but I am trying my best to make it better. So please just give it a chance and read on, I would greatly appreciate it. There is a little foul language though... You have been warned ;)

 I was never the person with a lot of friends, but it wasn't until I transferred schools that I met the whinny little brat Eren Yeager. Soon after that he introduced me to his sisterly friend figure Mikasa Ackerman and his other friend (which in my opinion looked like a yellow coconut) Armin Arlert. Eren and I didn't really start enjoying each others company until we were sixteen, which happened to be six years after we met. When this happened I told him about the stories my mother used to tell me and what used to happen when she did and he started making fun of me. An understatement would be to say that we fought. It was pretty much a big brawl in the middle of the school yard, which was then split up by Mikasa and some other friends that we had met year back. Annie Leonhart, Bertolt Hoover, Reiner Braun, Connie Springer, Sasha Blouse, Krista Lenz, and Ymir. This big group of people that I was a part of surprised everyone, mostly in which we didn't kill each other every day compared to how opposite we all were from each other.

Well that was mainly my life, and here I am now, in University with all of them, except that now they had their own groups within the group. Eren, Mikasa, and Armin were obviously still as close as ever, but I guess I am not close because ever since sixteen when Eren and I had our fight we were picking on each other. I couldn't stand that guy, no matter what he did he annoyed the hell out of me, and I wanted to punch him square in the mouth and cuss him out. Reiner, Bertolt, and Annie were all in a group too, and it seemed to be one big love triangle, and I did not feel like making it a square. Reiner seemed to like Bertolt while Bertolt really liked Annie and was soon asking her out (according to Connie, who I doubt I should believe) but it seemed like Annie had a thing for both of them. I guess I would see in the near future. Sasha and Connie were together, and you could tell even if they didn't tell us because they were always around touching, kissing, hugging, or snuggling each other. To me it was disgusting, but it might be because Sasha eats more then she weighs every hour. Then that left me to Ymir and Krista who were " _secretly_ " dating. It was so obvious that they were together though because Ymir always watched Krista, and no one was allowed near her unless they had a death wish. That pretty much left me out, but I was determined to find someone. I didn't know what I was doing with my life, and my doctor diagnosed me with depression when I was seventeen, which nobody knew about. By nobody I mean, not even my parents, I just took my anti-depressants and kept to myself.

Anyway, I feel like I have been dragging on, but I felt the need to get this out to you guys so in the middle of this story I don't say, oh and hey this is my life, sorry if everything before this didn't make sense. There I go dragging on like my mother used to do when I always forgot to take the garbage out. My past life is just so boring, so I wanted to get it out of the way so I don't put you to sleep later on in the story, so without further adieu, this is the story where I, Jean Kirstein, find myself.

 

***

 

Shit! Why is it raining the day I had to move into my dorm? I never thought I would see the day I would live with Reiner and Bertolt with some random guy that I don't even know. I swear to God if it is one of those weird people that we saw earlier today with those weird robes on and fake wands in their hands I will rip my hair out and go live somewhere else, even if there is no rent here. I kicked the door closed behind me as I brought my last thing in from Bertolt's car, which I came here in since I don't have a vehicle of my own, since my shitty ass parents wouldn't fund for me to get one. I threw the bag on the floor of the kitchen, walking into the living room which then branched into two hallways each one with a bedroom at the end. There was a bunk bed in each room, and Reiner and Bertolt insisted on sharing a room. God damn friends... To hell with them and their friendship, this new guy would be my friend, right? I shook the thought away as I went and grabbed my bag and went into the hallway on the right. I threw it onto the bottom bunk and began organizing my clothing into one of the two dresses, and put my books and everything on one of the desks. The room was nice, but the walls were really dark, and I could barely tell there was a big 62 inch flat screen TV sitting parallel with the bunk against the wall. Man, was I glad that I brought my Play Station. I crawled off of my bed and went to look through one of the boxes to find it, and when I couldn't I figured it must have got mixed up with one of the other boys. Just as I went to walk out of the room the door swung open at a speed which seemed like the speed of light because I didn't even have time to react and catch it before it hit me square in the face. I fell right onto my ass, rubbing my forehead as I heard something drop before I felt someone kneel beside me.

"Are you alright? I am so sorry, I really didn't mean to do that, I met your friends and they said that you should be unpacking so I didn't think to knock or anything." He sounded like a freak. Dammit! I finally had a chance at making an ordinary friend, but that just totally went out the window. My eyes opened and turned toward the creator of the voice, and I swear to god I almost swallowed my Adams apple.

"Shit."

 

***

 

I stared the guy up and down. He was wearing a red plaid button up shirt with jeans and sneakers. His dark hair was parted in the middle, accompanied by the freckles lining his cheeks. To me they looked like chocolate sprinkles, but I pushed the thought away as he helped me up by my elbow, and I realized this guy was at least five inches taller than me. I pulled myself away and I picked up his box and shoved it into his arms. He looked me up and down with one eyebrow raised.

"My name is Marco Bott, and I happen to be your new roommate. Sorry for hitting you with the door, I honestly thought you would be unpacking." Well no shit, I don't think you would be the type of guy that would try to get me to hate you right off of the bat. I ran my hand through my shaded hair before I introduced myself.

"I'm Jean Kirstein, and no problem, just start trying to be more fricking carful." He nodded as we shook hands. I had just noticed something at that moment, and that something would be that he never stops smiling. I shook my head as he turned towards the bed. I raised my eye brows as I asked the question he was obviously waiting for. "Did you want the bottom bunk?" He nodded quickly as I went and threw my bag to the top bunk and he settled on the bottom as I walked out, going to find my Play Station, which was also my stress reliever.  
I strutted out into the living room to find all of my friends already visiting. I sighed as I walked up to Bertolt who was in the kitchen getting a drink for everyone, which was no name pop, because it was cheaper then brand names and there is no alcohol allowed on campus, which sucked ass, but we would need to deal with it.

"Hey Bert! I was wondering if I could look for one of my boxes in your room, I think it got mixed up with some of your boxes." There was no way in hell I was going to tell him my Play Station was in there. Him and Reiner would always want to play it, or have me set it up on the TV in the living room, and there was no way that was happening. He turned to me and nodded, an odd expression on his face. I gave him a questioning stare as he just shook head and pointed towards his room. I nodded thanks then headed there, trying to be unnoticed by everyone, but of course it didn't happen.

"Jean-bo! How do you like University life so far?!" Connie, of course it had to be Connie. I turned back to everyone scowling.  
"It was fine until you started bugging me, so why don't you get your pot head out of my business." I don't really know why I said that, all I could feel was my head pounding from having the door hit it. He scowled at me, along with Sasha.

"Man, you know I only tried it once, and you were also there." I shook my head and turned away before I was stopped by Reiner, him asking where I was going. I explained it and her nodded his head, turning away once again. God, these people were annoying. But at the same time these people were my friends. I made my way down the hall and into the chamber of my two roommates. There walls were a light grey, but the décor was the same as in mine and Marco's. I quickly saw the box with my name printed on the side of it. I walked over and looked in to see the station sitting on top of all my games with two remotes. I picked it up, walking out of there room and back to mine. I knocked first before opening the door to make sure Marco was out of the way, and sure enough he was. Everything was unpacked of his and he was just sitting on his bed looking around the room. When I walked in he looked at me with that big goofy smile of his. I frowned then walked over to the TV setting the box down and getting onto my knees.

"You don't mind if I set up my Play Station do you? You can play whenever you want."

"Of course Jean. I hope you don't mind that I set up my DVD player, but of course you could use that whenever.” I nodded as I untangled wires, plugging them into their rightful spots. I could hear Marco shuffling behind me, and I turned to see him looking at my games, seeming to admire Call of Duty. I chuckled a little bit as he looked up at me.

"You look like you have never killed people on a game before. Calm down dude, we can play later." He looked at me, the smile still plastered on his face. I made a new goal to make him frown eventually, which hopefully would keep me preoccupied.

"I have never owned anything like this, and by this I mean video games. I mainly just played at friends houses, which wasn't often, but now I can play lots. Thanks." I nodded, turning back towards the TV. No video games? How did he make it through his teenage years? God damn Marco, I should already look up to you. I stood up and dusted off my pants and walked towards the door, inviting him to join me and my friends in the living room.

"I heard you call one of them a pot head, so I didn't really know if I should go and say hi to everyone else, but I am up for it if you would like me too." I stared him down hard, and he seemed to sweat under it.

"They aren't that bad, but yeah, I want to show them that I made a friend, so I would like it if you joined me." He nodded and followed me through the door, and that is when all hell broke loose.

***

We walked into the living room everyone talking amongst each other, but as soon as Marco and I walked in everyone went quiet. You have got to be shitting me? I just made a new friend and they are now keeping stuff from me? Can this get any fricking worse. Marco looked around the room before finding interest in the floor and I pulled him to an empty spot on the room, and everyone just watched us go and sit down. It was Mikasa who was the first to speak, but she had to clear her throat first.

"So, Jean... Who is your new friend?" I sighed before I looked around the room at all the straight faces, but when I looked at Marco he was, you guessed it, smiling. Shit, this was going to get old quick. I cleared my throat before speaking.

"Everyone this is Marco; Marco this is Connie, Sasha, Ymir, Krista, Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Annie, and you've met Reiner and Bertolt." Everyone gave a little way when I said their name which annoyed the hell out of me so much that I wanted to punch everyone. Why was everyone acting like this? "So, what were you all talking about?" They all stared at each other before I stood up, pulling Marco with me. "We are going to go to Starbucks and to explore to be prepared for classes tomorrow." It was Reiner who finally spoke just as we were heading out the door.

"When are you going to be back?" I shook my head then looked at him and Bertolt standing there.

"When everyone is gone. But I don't want to hear any loud noises coming from your guys room when I come back, you hear me?" They knew what I meant, and I slammed the door just as I watched their faces go red as they tried to argue. Marco trailed along behind me, and when I looked back and saw those freckles, I melted.

 

***

 

I heard yelling going on inside as Marco and I made our way down the side walk. It was still raining outside, and I kind regretted not going back to grab a sweater at least. I felt more bad for Marco though since I was the one who dragged him with me, I wouldn't have to walk though if it wasn't for my stupid ass parents that wouldn't buy me a car. I sighed loudly before stopping in my tracks, Marco bumping into me from behind.

"I am so fricking sorry man, I didn't mean to drag you into this for you to freeze your ass off." He took a deep breath and blew it into his shaky hands. I was guessing he was trying to convert all on the warmth in his body into air to warm his hands. It was about five minutes later that Marco decided to speak, and by then we walked maybe fifty meters.

"Hey, J-Jean." I turned to him, stopping to look at his freckled face. He was stuttering because he was cold, and I knew that. "W-We could have j-just taken m-m-my car. I w-wouldn't have mi-minded." My eyes went large as he pointed behind us. I quickly started running, grabbing his arm as I went past him. I could only feel my heart beating, the rest of my existence was frozen from the rain that fell on my head. I could hear him trailing behind me, fumbling with his pocket to get his keys out. We made it to his small silver car just as he unlocked the door and climbed in. I was kind of surprised that he could get in considering how tall and broad he is. I went to the passenger door, but as I pulled on the handle the door stayed shut. I knocked on the door as I watched him lean over and swing it open for me. I climbed in shutting the door behind me as I rubbed my hands together, trying to create friction, and eventually, heat.

"Sorry," He spoke softly, cranking the heat, "I forgot you can't open that door from the outside." I nodded as I looked down at my red hands. He quickly grabbed them and brought them to his mouth, blowing heat into them from his warm body. I stared at him oddly, not exactly understanding what was happening. I didn't really mind though, I enjoyed the fact that Marco was touching me trying to keep me warm, What the Hell, no Jean! That is completely gay, which you are not. He looked at me and turned red before pulling his hands away and my hands went back to icy cold, but I still had the heater on my face and feet. I turned in my seat so I was facing forwards. He tried to apologize, and God maybe I should have let him so it wouldn't have been so awkward, but no instead I had to open my big mouth.

"Wow, your girl friend must really love you." I realized my mistake when he looked at me curiously. I don't know what it was but he just seemed like that kind of guy that would have a nice girl friend waiting for him, counting down the days until she got to see him again, but nope.

"I don't have a girl friend Jean." He laughed as he buckled then started the car, looking at me as if he was waiting for something. I raised my eyebrows as he laughed again. I focused on his smile, like you would think his cheek muscles would get sore, but it didn't seem like they ever did. "Buckle up Jean, we don't leave until you do."

"Are you serious Marco? We are literally driving two miles..."

"And I wouldn't care if we were driving two feet, you can get to an accident even if you aren't moving at all. So please, just put on your seat belt." His fricking smile didn't even falter, damn this guy was good. I rolled my eyes as I buckled up and he headed down the road going thirty miles a hour.

"Are you serious Marco," It was quiet until I spoke because he had the music on his radio turned all the way down, "Why are we going so slow?" He swallowed and I watched as his Adams Apple moved up and down.

"Because that is the speeding limit, duh." I nearly hit the roof at his comeback. Not even a swear in it, man this guy seemed like a good person.. I was going to ruin him.

"No one is going to be walking since it is raining, so just speed up. My grandma is ninety and she can walk faster than this." He just rolled his eyes and kept his speed as I slumped in the seat. This guy already made me mad, no matter how cute he was.

 

***

 

It took us around five minutes to get to Starbucks, which I guess no matter how slow we were going it was better than half hour walk. I sighed as we walked in together, walking up to the counter. I ordered a Grande Caramel Macchiato while Marco ordered a Grande Featured Dark Roast with a double milk shot. They asked us our names so we told them and how to spell them just as Marco went to pull money out of his wallet. I shook my head as and pulled out money and paid the man while Marco tried to argue with me, saying he could pay for himself, but I wouldn't allow it. We went and sat at a table while we waited for our names to be called. I watched girls around us take pictures of their drinks with their names on it then probably posting it on social media.

"Marco," He turned to me asking what was wrong, "I am going to get a job at Starbucks and spell everyone's fricking names wrong so they will not post it on social media. Like I swear to God, if I see one more picture on social media I will scream." He laughed as we both pulled out our phones. I went on my Instagram and of course there was a post from my sister and her friends all holding Starbucks in their hands and facing their names at the camera. I exited out and put my phone in my pocket. She was such an ass-shat whether she agreed to it or not. Marco put his phone away as well as our names were called.

"Mah-r-co and J-eee-an." The guy pronounced our names slowly getting Marco's name right but pronouncing mine like what my sisters would be. I stood up and went to the counter and he handed the drinks to us then turned to me. "Is something wrong sir?" I nodded quickly grabbing my drink.

"Yeah, my name is pronounced sort of like John except there is more accent on the 'J' so, let me ask... Do I look like a girl to you?" The guy seemed to shudder under my gaze, and Marco resulted in pulling me out of the café. I sighed and was obedient enough to follow him without too much of a hassle. We climbed into his car as he turned the heat on again, telling me to buckle up as he drove away, holding the steering wheel in one hand and he drink at the other as he took small sips. I took the first sip of mine and sighed into the joy of it. I saw out of the corner of my eye that he was looking at me, and when I looked at him he looked away. Maybe he wasn't even looking at me in the first place and it was just a figure of my imagination. I turned back forward to see the rain streaking the wind shield as the wipers quickly wiped the wetness away. I got so bored from the radio not being on that I actually counted how many times the windows got wiped in a minute. It was twenty eight and just as I finished counting Marco switched the radio on and Fight Song by Rachel Platten started playing, and Marco quietly started humming along. I waited until the course before I burst out.

"THIS IS MY FIGHT SONG! TAKE BACK MY LIFE SONG! PROVE I'M ALRIGHT SONG!" It wasn't long before Marco joined in too, and we were screaming out the lyrics like our lives depended on it. Let's just say that if anyone was listening then we probably sounded like dying animals that are being split apart by dinosaurs. By the end we were both laughing and my throat was raw.

"Jesus, my throat hurts so fricking much!" I got a laugh as a response and we just drove around campus before we pulled up to our dorm at ten. We strutted inside through the rain and when we got in Reiner and Bertolt were playing cards. They gave us a curious look before I walked through the door by the living room that led out into the main building hall way, Guys were walking around, freshly showered and on their way to their room. I quickly went to the washroom then walked back to our room. I was met by Marco curled up on his bed looking at him phone in just his boxers and a T-shirt. I held my breath at the sight of him, and I didn't really understand why. I let out my breath before stripping down to just my boxers and a T-shirt before crawling into my bed. He shut off the lights and crawled into his bed once again, this time under the covers. I listened to the shuffling before it went really quiet.

"Hey, Jean..." His voice echoed in my head, and it was really soothing compared to all of the thoughts and memories that pounded in my head. "Do you think we should tell each other about ourselves?" Shit! I couldn't tell Marco about my childhood and family yet. I wasn't even fricking close to admitting the thoughts that ran through my head. I was silent before he spoke again.

"Are you asleep? You can just say if you don't want to talk about it." I stayed quiet, using the excuse that I was asleep, which was shitty because I did not come up with it myself. He wished me a good night before I heard him turn over. I stayed so still, no matter how uncomfortable I was. I wasn't ready to admit things to Marco, and I don't know if I ever will be. I guess with new friends you also get new problems, but I was saving this one for the morning when I am not so tired. I drifted into sleep.


	2. The Past is Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You get a little back story of Jean, and you learn about his twin sister Jeanne. Also, Jean almost seems to be falling a little more for Marco, but does Marco feel the same way?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter two of my JeanMarco fan fiction. I know I already suck at updating but I have been so busy that it makes me want to scream. I honestly wanted to update this two weeks ago but I didn't have the time to write and up load it, but now that it is the middle of the night I am able too :)

The first days of classes were hell because I got lost so easily! The first day Professor Hanji, who was my professor for Biology, gave a tour of campus. It seemed to help everyone except for me, which sucked ass. The only class I could get to without confusion was hers, maybe is what the fact that every other one she went into depth detail about or that I shared that class with Marco. Either way it was a pain in the ass. The others I had were History with Professor Erwin, and English with Professor Levi which was weird since everyone said he was French (and I also had that class with all of my friends, including Marco). All of my other classes I am not even going to talk about because that would lead to me cussing because of how much I hated the class and the Professor that teaches it. Basically, University sucked ass, and it was at least five fricking percent worse that High School. I was on my way to Professor Hanji’s class right now with Marco, and it was specifically the third day of being somewhere where I felt I had no life. The nights after the classes so far consisted of freezer pizza and video games while Bertolt and Reiner complained about how bored they were, but luckily they hadn’t discovered the magical beauty of blood gore on Call of Duty in Marco and I’s room (which was partially because I wouldn’t talk to Marco until he swore secrecy). I just sat on his bed with him, and since the room was kind of cool in the afternoon we huddled under his blanket. I wanted to move closer to him, and to maybe touch his face and feel his skin on mine. Wait, no! That is not what I want to do, because that is entirely gay and that is not who I am. Hell, I like girls, and I remember liking Mikasa for the longest time, even if those thoughts drifted away. I pushed the thoughts away as I turned to Marco’s smiling face as we were walking to Biology. I wanted to hold his han-, No! Back to what really matters, the class. We were supposed to dissect frogs in the future, and that was what I was looking forward to most. I almost seemed to zone out on him when my phone went off with a little ding and vibrate. I took it out of my pocket and looked at it to read the text.

To Jean: Hey, you do realize you told me that you would text me, right? I see you every day in Biology, because yeah, WE HAVE THAT TOGETHER!... But you are too much of an ass-shat of a brother to notice. Look, Jean I miss you, and we have never gone this long without talking. Plz txt me back. Xoxo

I sighed as I shoved my phone back into my pocket. Why was I ignoring my twin sister? I didn’t want her to worry about me. I guess I lied at the beginning of the story too when I said nobody knew I was depressed because, well, she did. She actually knew the first day, because when I tried to take the pill in our room she walked in on me, which was kind of shocking, but like I said, it was our room. That ended with me cussing her out, saying she should knock, and her cussing back saying that it was room too and it wasn’t the first time she something embarrassing of me. It ended with me crying, and her rushing forward to hold me in her small arms. I was a screw up, and I fricking knew that, even if she told me I wasn’t. I was on the verge of tears, but Marco pulled my out of it as he called me laughing. Apparently I had missed a turn, and I quickly walked back, turning to go the right way. Marco grabbed my arm, pulling me back.

“Are you okay man? You seem kind of, out of it.” I turned and saw his god damn smile, which made me not be honest with him, because damn this guy didn’t deserve my bullshit. I nodded as he let me go and we continued walking. I felt like a complete ass hole as I thought about how many times I had lied to the guy so far. Once about sleeping, another that I had to piss, then once that Bertolt had to see me, another that I had to piss, and now this, and all because I didn’t want to talk about my fricking past. I learnt that he has no siblings and how nice his parents were, while my parents couldn’t care less about what I do. He also grew up with not very many friends to none at all, which sucked. I pushed the thought away though as we came up to the Biology door, waltzing in to take our seats that were located in the middle of the classroom. I sat down and looked at Professor Hanji as she began to teach with her crazy eyes darting around the room. I turned around to see Jeanne (my twin sister) looking at me, and as soon as we made eye contact she waved, but I just rolled my eyes and turned back to face the front.

“Who is that?” Marco whispered to me, trying not to disturb the lesson.

“Don’t worry about it.” Shit, this was going to be a long class.

 

***

 

The class consisted of Marco asking me if I was okay, since I was always turning around to look, but Jeanne was always paying attention to Professor Hanji. Marco and I were now on our way to History when we heard voices in one of the alleys. I frowned as Marco and I both started towards the alley. I heard a familiar voice telling someone to screw off, and my heart sank. I started running, Marco asking me what was wrong. This couldn’t be fricking happening, just please tell me she is okay. We turned the corner to see Jeanne backed against a wall with five guys around her.

“Hey, isn’t that the girl from Biology?” I frowned as I started towards all of the guys. I don’t even remember how I got there so fast, but I could remember my fist connecting with one of the guys jaw and my hand started to throb as another came at me. I kicked him in the gut before flipping one of them over my shoulder and onto his back. It all happened so fast, and I didn’t even have time to blink before to guys were holding me back with another guy punching me in the gut and in the head. I looked at Marco to see him holding back Jeanne as she had fury burning on her face. She turned to Marco and threatened to kick him where it hurts so he quickly let her go. She ran up and tapped the guy that was punching me on the shoulder. He turned to her and tried to speak.

“Oh, look who is finally going to give in.” She grit her teach before punching him in the mouth and kicking him to the ground before grabbing one of the guys arm that was holding me back and twisted it to an angle that didn’t look good at all. He wailed in pain before she was smashing his face into the cement wall. I grabbed the other guy, throwing him to the ground before I kicked him in the stomach and watched the other two guys run out of the alley, not wanting to mess with my insane sister any more. I turned as she tackled me in a hug. I hugged her back tightly, not realizing how much I had actually missed her. My fists were bloody and I could feel my ribs hurting.

“I missed you so fricking much,” She released me and punched me in the arm, “You dick! How dare you not answer my texts you stupid ass-shat! I swear to God if you ever do that again, I will end you.” I laughed as we turned to Marco who seemed quite confused at the sight he was seeing, but he was smiling none the less. 

“Marco, this is my twin sister Jeanne; and Jeanne this is my friend and roommate Marco Bott” I wanted to add adorable into the sentence about Marco, but that would be gay, so I wasn’t about to do that. They smiled and shook hands before I attacked Jeanne. I wrapped my arm loosely around her neck before rubbing my knuckles along her scalp. “What the hell were you thinking walking down a creepy alley by yourself you ass-shat! What if I wasn’t here to rescue you? You could have been raped or dead you nut.” She laughed before getting out of my grip. She pushed me away before jumping on my back. We had always been really close before I got depression. We were even closer then, but she started pushing herself even more to get a good future.

“I was on my way to dance, which I am already late for. I didn’t give my life away for this shit, so I should really get going. I need to become top of this stupid class if I want to get anywhere.” I nodded as Marco gave me a curious look, but I shook it away. “So I will see you after, maybe I will come and see you later, make sure you are okay because you look like shit covered in blood.” I shook my head and smirked a little.

“You don’t look any better either. I am going to go back the dorm and clean up, skip class for the day.” Marco chimed in that he was going to also and help me clean up which caused me to heat up drastically imagining Marco wiping my body and… No! I waved bye to her as she headed to dance, and we turned back, heading back to the dorm rather than History. I knew Professor Erwin was going to have a big speech for Marco and I when we showed up tomorrow, but I couldn’t care less. I was going to clean up, and Marco was going to help me.

 

***

 

It was quite a long walk till we made it back to our dorm because I had a slight limp from kicking one of the guys in the ribs. Marco had supported me though by letting me put my arm around him to balance. I had collapsed through the door when we made it to our room but Marco cradled me in his strong arms and laid me on his bed. He had told me he would be right back as he left the room for a minute and went to grab a cold cloth and a tensor bandage then shut the door behind him, coming to sit beside me on his bed. He sighed before he started to speak softly, as if trying not to startle me.

“Jean you need to take off your shirt.” My breath caught in my throat as my eyes grew. Did I just hear him correctly? I could tell that he noticed the look on his face because he soon turned red, and I could feel him heat up. “That is not what I meant! I mean, it is, but not in that way. I just need to see the cuts on your ribs and stomach and stuff, and I want to wipe them down with a cold cloth. Can you not be dumb just for a second?” I chuckled but stopped quickly because the pain in my ribs started aching causing me to wince in pain. Marco griped the bottom of my shirt and as I started to squirm he held me down, peeling the fabric off over my head. I was met by his face in front of mine. I wanted to move forward and connect mine to his. No, I didn’t want that at all, I just wanted the pain to be gone. I grabbed the cold cloth and ran it over my ribs and stomach. I winced from the cold and from the fact that it hurt all at the same time. 

“Thanks Marco, that feels nice.” He blushed and scrub away dirt and crusted blood off of my ribs. 

“It is no problem Jean, I would have expected you to help me if it was the other way around. I just have a question,” I raised and eye brow, “Why don’t you and your sister look alike?” I thought back to seeing her, and sure as hell she didn’t look like herself. Usually she had her hair parted far on one side then flipped over so you could see the dark under layer of her hair followed by the light flow that was on the opposite side. She also used to dress sort of like a tom boy rather than the girly girl she had always looked like.

“That little shit head! She is changing her whole look.” I winced in pain once again from the sudden outburst. Marco ran his fingers through my hair telling me to calm down and explain, and as my breathing slowed I did exactly what he told me too. I dug my phone out of my pocket and flicked it on so you could see my lock screen which was a selfie of Jeanne and I. He stared and seemed shock as to how alike we actually looked. So many people had always told us that we would be each other if we were the opposite gender. I sighed then throwing my phone to the end of the bed. Marco sighed then tried to pull my pant leg up, which didn’t work because I was wearing skinny jeans. He sighed in defeat then stared at me. I swallowed heavily before slowly taking my pants off so I was left in my boxers and socks. Marco carefully slid my socks off, and I looked down to see my swollen purple ankle. My breath caught before I started hyperventilating. I felt as if I was going to throw up, my stomach twisting into knots. I grabbed my hand and squeezed it, giving me a reassuring smile. I sighed and squeezed my eyes shut as he released the grip on my hand and I could soon feel the cold cloth press against my exposed ankle. I cringed as he carefully dabbed at the wound.

“It is sprained, that is for sure. I don’t really know if I should take you into the hospital or not because you were capable of walking on it, but I will wrap it for now, and if it is still really bad before we go to sleep then I will take you in.” As he began bandaging my ankle I thought about going into the hospital. I sure as hell wasn’t going to let that happen because then they would search and see that I was diagnosed with depression and ask if I have been taking my pills, which I haven’t been. I just feel as if I don’t need them anymore, and I feel fine. As Marco applied pressure I became dizzy, starting to heave as I bolted into sitting position. He managed to run across the room and get the garbage can beside his desk before all that I had ate today came out. It slapped against the garbage bag as tears made their way out of the corner of my eyes from the pain. I took deep breaths as Marco rubbed my back and the back of my neck with the cold cloth. “Hey, are you alright?” I nodded before lying back down again, bringing my breathing back to a slow and steady pace. He felt my forehead, and his hands felt like ice against my burning hot face.

“I am okay, really.” He nodded before sliding back down his bed to work on my ankle. When I felt him pin the bandage I sighed as he took my pillow off of my bed, lifting up my leg and setting it underneath it. My eyes felt droopy, and I didn’t understand why because it was still early in the afternoon. I remember seeing Marco smile before I drifted into sleep.

 

***

 

I was woken by the loud knocking on the door, and as I went to roll over I felt Marco move beside me. I looked to see him curled up our backs to each other with our butts touching. My breath caught in my throat as he sat up rubbing the sleep from his eyes. I stared in shock as he made his way to the door, and as he opened it my insane sister came in. I looked at the clock that was sitting on Marco’s dresser and it told me that it was already eight. I stretched my arms above my head as I sat up.

“Reiner let me in, because being the ass-shat that you are you didn’t answer any of my calls or texts, but now I know that you slept the day away you little shit. So, I called Bertolt and he said that you had been in your room all afternoon so I brought you food because I thought you would be hungry.” I looked at the bag in her hand that had the McDonald’s logo on it and the tray of cardboard cups. I smiled as she walked over and set the bag beside me. “I also brought you something Marco, but I got you the same as Jean so I hope you like it.” He nodded gratefully, smiling larger than ever. I felt my stomach let out a huge growl, realizing how hungry I actually was. I opened the bag, pulling out quarter pound burgers and fries before opening a straw and poking it into the plastic lids that covered the beverage. 

“Thanks Jeanne, you are my hero.” She chuckled a little before going serious once again, and that was when I noticed the little cut on her upper lips. I was about to question it before she started speaking.

“You’re welcome, but what kind of person sleeps all afternoon and doesn’t answer their worried twin. Like god Jean, I wanted to check on you because you looked like shit when I went to dance.” I nodded keeping my eyes on the floor.

“Alright,” I began, “But what kind of ass-shat changes their whole look, huh? Marco couldn’t even tell we were related because you are hiding your true self.” I flipped all her hair to one side so I could see the colour change before handing Marco his burger, fries, and pop. She blushed before covering her face with her small hands which were the exact same as they always were. He nails were painted black, and she had an infinity ring on her right index finger. I asked her about it again, stuffing three fries in my mouth and swallowing it with a sip of Coca-Cola.

“Look Jean, people don’t understand like our friends did in our school. All the girls in dance are, I don’t know, girly. They all are proper and put make up on every day, and they all started talking about how I am never going to make it if I don’t clean up my act. They also said how my hair isn’t fit for being here so I try my best to make it so they can’t see the darkness underneath, which is really hard when you have to put it up in a bun.” I nodded, and I felt as if I wanted to punch someone’s teeth out.

“To hell with all them, they are dirt bags. You are allowed to be whoever the hell you want to be, and even if you aren’t like them, you are probably the best fricking dancer there so they can all learn to suck on that.” She nodded slowly as I pretty much ate half of my burger in one bite. Marco sat there awkwardly, eating what was left of his fries. I swallowed, washing it away with more pop. I looked to see the cloth that Marco had been using laying on the floor, and I grabbed it to see that it was still somewhat damp. I started wiping at her face, taking off the makeup that was hiding her true beauty. As I got it all off a tear slid down her cheek and I wiped it away, pulling her into a hug. “You are okay,” I spoke slowly, “They are all just jealous because you are going to amount to more than they ever will.” She nodded and hugged me back, and soon I felt the sadness hit me as well.

 

***

 

It was around ten when she left, and it was all after a friendly game of Call of Duty. She laughed along with Marco most of the time, and I told her that I could talk to Professor Hanji so she could sit with us in Biology, but she kindly refused. Marco and I were just lying here now, on his bed because I wasn’t able to crawl up to mine with my bad ankle. I tried to move it, but I couldn’t, and it was almost as if I had a cast on. Marco had done this… Wrapped my ankle for support in hope that the pain and swelling would go away. I was utterly fascinated and curious as to how he had done this so well.

“How the hell did you learn how to wrap people’s ankle’s so well, and how to take care of the sick and injured.” He chuckled, and I could almost see his smile in the dark. He was radiating heat, and he made it so I was the perfect temperature.

“I am here to become a nurse, Jean. Before you laugh and say that only females can be nurses and that I should become a doctor instead I am going to tell you to be quiet… I don’t want to be the one to do all the surgeries and everything; I just want to be there to assist the one that is doing that. I always loved helping people, so becoming a nurse had always been a dream of mine.” I smiled. It was dorky and definitely something to make fun of, but he just made it adorable. I had never had a male nurse before, and I wouldn’t think that many people have; but thinking how Marco would be there to help people made me smile, because I was positive that he could make anyone’s day better. But those thoughts soon faded when I thought of him seeing all of the terrible stuff in hospitals. People could be too sick to move, or in so much pain that they just started screaming and you are unable to stop them. To think of all the blood, and how a bone could be sticking out, unable to go back to its place in the body where it should be. Most of all I thought of patients that couldn’t recover and ended up dying. I could see Marco sitting there, crying in front of everyone because of someone that he just couldn’t save. Everyone would know that it wasn’t his fault and they would try to get him to understand that but he wouldn’t listen. Him going home every night and not being able to un-think the terrible things he had witnessed.

These thoughts flooded my brain, giving me a headache, and soon I, Jean Kirstein, started to cry uncontrollably for the first time in a long time, and it felt as if the past is back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So I hope you enjoyed the second chapter. I know it was probably really slow, but I am super tired and I don't feel like my writing is at its best. I attended a writing camp last week so I didn't have time to write then, and the week before I had exams in school. Also in between that I couldn't write because I had a seven hour drive to get to camp and I had to leave a day early. So, I really hope that you all enjoyed the second chapter and look forward to having more soon. I have big ideas for the future, now it is just the thought of typing it out.
> 
> I know I already suck at uploading as well, but I am hoping to be better because I do not have as many things going on in my life now. I hope to see more readers soon, and please do not be scared to give feed back. I would love to hear where I messed up, what you liked, what you didn't like, etc.
> 
> Thanks Lovely's, I shall post again soon ^.^


	3. The Hospital and Pills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically Jean is angry because he is hurt, and Marco wants to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Lovely's. I finally got around to posting the third chapter! I know I suck, but I am trying to hard to work around my schedule. Enjoy :)

The next morning I woke up feeling like a train wreck, because due to my blubbering I was caught up thinking about my life, and Marco’s life, and about how I wanted both of our lives to come together and stay together. It ended up with my crawling out of his bed, and rummaging through my desk drawers trying to find my anti-depressants, because I felt the puffiness in my eyes and red in my face. If Marco had seen me like this he would for sure question it. I had taken three pills, which I knew I wasn’t supposed to, but I didn’t think it would hurt since I hadn’t taken then in a while. I sat on the bed next to Marco, my legs curled up to my chest, hoping that the emotional pain would soon subside and I would fall asleep. I looked at Marco’s face, focusing on his freckles that lined his cheeks and made their way down his neck. The blankets were at the end of the bed, kicked there from when he was tossing and turning. His shirt was riding up his stomach and his boxers had made their way little by little up his legs. My shaking hand went to his forehead and pushed his hair back and my hand went still. My breathing that was heavy and rough slowed and went to a normal pace. It was almost as if Marco was my drug, and that he was able to calm me down when I was having an episode which I can’t stop by myself. I wanted to just give myself to Marco, and just tell him that I wanted to stay with him forever. I wanted to feel his lips on mine, and to have him by my side for all of the days to come. I lay down beside him so our faces were faced towards each other, and I held his hands that were placed in front of his sleeping figure. I felt pains in my head, and throughout my whole body I felt weak, and incapable of doing anything. I remember glancing on the digital clock that was sitting on his desk and seeing that it was two in the morning. My eyes drifted closed and I was sleeping, and Marco was the only thing on my mind.

 

***

 

I woke up the next morning turned away from Marco, and he had his arm around me and our legs were tangled together. I was confused at first as the alarm went off and he crawled out of bed, rubbing his eyes and stretching. I felt my face heat up as I hid it in the pillow and my stomach twisted and turned. I don’t know why all the sudden I had been hit by gay truck over and over, because I was tired and felt weak, and liked Marco more then I had ever liked anyone. I felt him stand up to shut off the alarm. I brought my face out of the pillow to breath and looked up at him.

“Rise and shine sleepy head, we have to be at class in forty-five minutes. How does your foot feel?” I wiggled my ankle a bit and felt the pain in it shooting up my leg. I didn’t want to tell Marco because he would be really worried and want to take me to the hospital, and there was no way in hell I was going there.

“It’s fine, I will just take some pain killers and it will be good as new.” He nodded as he started changing his shirt, and I stared, my eyes glued to him and his features. I blinked quickly as he pulled pants on, and I hoped he hadn’t seen my creepy staring. I threw the blankets off and swung my legs over the side of his bed and attempted to stand up, but I collapsed to the ground and my leg started throbbing, almost as if it was a struggle to pump blood through it. Marco rushed over, kneeling beside me and examining my leg.

“Jean, I need to take you to the hospital today, for all we know your ankle could be broken.” I shook my head furiously. I was not going to the fricking hospital even if my life depended on it at this exact moment. If they talked about my depression in front of Marco, then he would know and I would not be able to hide anything from him again. “Jean, I don’t need you hurting it anymore than it already is, I just need you to be okay.” I scowled, not directly at him, but I still did. 

“Why are you so worried about me?” It was his turn to shake his head, and for once he didn’t have a smile but instead a straight face, but he soon went back to his cheery self.

“Jean, it is going to be my job to worry about people, and to me it is just natural. I just want to make sure you are okay, and to make sure that nothing is wrong.” Everything is always wrong, I thought, whether I get help or not. Tears started to form in my eyes, but I choked it down.

“Marco, we will try pain killers, which I am sure will work, and then if it doesn’t you can take me to the hospital.” My teeth clenched just at the thought of the stupid place. He was just going to keep pushing it though if I didn’t make some kind of agreement. 

“Promise?” I rolled my eyes and swallowed hard, not wanting to make this promise and force the words to come out of my throat.

“I. Promise.” He smiled, and I wanted to kiss each of his dimples, and each of his freckles. I wanted to wrap my arms around him, and not let him go. I wanted to go back to sleep in his arms, his heart beat against mine. That wasn’t going to happen though because we were already late for class, and the only reason we had slept in the same bed was because of my foot and just happened to wake up in each other’s arms. He helped me up and helped me over to my dresser, opening drawers and telling me to pick articles of clothing to wear. I pointed out a shirt, and a pair of sweat pants, and he just grabbed a pair of socks. He brought me over to his desk chair slowly and sat me down as I pulled my shirt off and exchanged it with the one that he was holding in his hand. Next he started pulling my pant legs over my ankles and brought them up my legs. I held the arm rests and pushed up so he could pull them up more so they hugged my waist. He smiled widely as he put on one of my socks then took the tensor bandage off of my other. He examined carefully but still managed to get me to wince. He looked up at me and laughed.

“What? Do you want me to kiss it better?” HELL YES! My mind yelled at me as my face heated up drastically. I shook my head as he looked down again, still chuckling to himself. I shook the thoughts away that were flooding in my mind, almost as if a dam had burst. I sighed as he bandaged my foot again, put my shoe on the other, than helped me up. We made our way to the kitchen, my arm around him as we kept bumping into the walls of the narrow hallway. He kept laughing as we came into the kitchen to find Reiner and Bertolt sitting there together, each with a bowl of cereal in front of them. Both their eyes grew at the sight.

“What the hell happened to you?” I scowled as Marco sat me down across the table from them then went to the fridge. They both just stared at me as I rolled my eyes as Marco went from the fridge with the orange juice and yogurt to the counter. “Jean, what the hell happened man?” Reiner wouldn’t drop anything even if his life depended on it, that bastard. I scowled even harder as Bertolt looked away and sighed, taking another bite of cheerios.

“I got into a fight yesterday; I thought you knew since Jeanne was here?” They both shook their heads and it was my turn to do the eye rolling. Marco came over and set a bowl of vanilla yogurt and granola in front of me, along with a glass of orange juice. Then he set down two pain killers, right beside the juice and started to insist on me taking them. I picked them up and examined them before putting them in my mouth and drank the juice. Once they were down I started to eat, and Marco sat beside me. Reiner and Bertolt left smiling as Reiner poked him as they went out the door.

“They seem awfully friendly with each other.” I nodded at Marco’s comment as I pushed away my bowl. They are totally getting together, and they couldn’t make it any more obvious. I laughed to myself as I could see Marco giving me a strange look out of the corner out of my eye. I turned to him as my laughing fit died.

“We should start walking if we want to make class in time.” His eyes got big, and I started looking at him strangely.

“Are you insane? I am not letting you walk on your foot that far, I am driving us.” If he was going to keep babying me it was going to be a long day. Anything to keep me out of the hospital I guess.

 

***

 

Classes that day were hell because every ten minutes or so Marco would have to make sure I was okay, even if we weren’t in the same class he would text me. I could barely feel my foot because of the stupid pain killers that I took. The worst part though was when we went into Professor Levi’s class and he yelled at us because we missed class the day before. Being such a short man you wouldn’t think he would have that much anger built up in him, but he did. He would yell, and just go on and on, and I was sure that I heard a few swears in French. He told us that it wasn’t right to skip class, and when I asked how he knew we skipped and didn’t have to be somewhere I thought I was doomed. His face grew so red, but he just scowled and walked away, and I had never thanked God more. Marco pulled me to my seat and practically pushed me into it because I was so furious. Did Levi just not notice my foot? Eren laughed behind me to I gave him the finger then started listening to the lecture. I honestly wanted to scream as Marco leaned over, asking me if I was okay as his warm breath blew against me neck. I was already so annoyed, and I didn’t know how long I was going to last.

The class had gone by so slow, but I pushed it away on the way out. Marco was carefully helping me out of the room and when were outside I looked at the stairs that led out dreadfully. I sighed as everyone else started herding out of the last class of the day and walked the stairs easily making the veins in my neck throb and make me want to cry. Marco held me as I made my way slowly, and in a blink of an eye I fell forwards and sent us both tumbling. It all happened so quickly I don’t even remember it happening really; all I know is that we were at the top of the stair way and now we are not. Pain in my ankle exploded and I looked down to see some blood on my sweats. I started panicking as I looked over at Marco, whose nose was bleeding so bad that a puddle was already forming on the ground in front of him. I swore under my breath before scooting over to him. Why couldn’t we have fallen while people were actually here? Like honestly, do I have the worst of luck today? The door opened just as I got to Marco, placing my hand on his back. Professor Levi showed up at the top of the stairs, and his eyes got large. He ran down the stairs and crouched by us. 

“What did you brats do?” I swallowed hard, and Marco spit blood out of his mouth and tried to apologize but I shut him up quickly. Levi rose as eye brow, and I wanted to punch the guy right in the head.

“I accidently tripped on the stairs and we both fell. I landed on my leg badly and Marco must have hit his head.” He stood up and nodded and brushed off his pants then started walking back up the stairs to the class room. “Wait, aren’t you going to help us?” I called and she stopped in his tracks and nodded, but did not look back. As he continued I rubbed Marco’s back, feeling butterflies in my stomach. “I am so sorry Marco, I will make this up to you. Shit! I really hope I didn’t break your nose. I am such I fricking klutz.” He shook his head, but soon held it still because blood splashed everywhere. 

“Jean,” He spit again, “This is not your fault, stop it. Honestly, this could have happened to anyone so stop stressing.” I nodded as I rubbed his back and Levi soon came back with one of those little plastic garbage cans, handing it to Marco to hold his face over.

“Come on, I am taking you to the hospital. One thing though… No getting my car dirty or I will have to beat you.” We both nodded as Marco stood and Levi helped me up and walked my over to his little black car, letting us both into the back seat. I went from being someone who was so against going to the hospital to being someone who did something to make his best friend have to go. I sighed as we took off down the road.

 

***

 

I sat in the hospital bed, waiting for the doctor to come back with my x-rays while in the mean time I wanted to throw up. He came in with is stupid lab coat, and I felt like screaming just at the sight of him, and brought up the x-rays on the stupid screens that they have. Pretty much everything in this hospital was stupid. He started pointing out some shit that I didn’t understand, and all that I understood was that I did not break it. All I would have to do is have to have Marco bandage it for me every day (because apparently he talked to him when I was waiting) and to take the medicine that he gave me, and it should heal in no time. Considering how much it was hurting though I called bullshit. Oh yeah, I also have to us crutches, like hell no, those things sucked ass. I soon gave in though when I tried to stand, but he also pushed me back down on the bed. 

“Look Jean,” I sighed and nodded, “We searched your records and saw that you were diagnosed with depression.” Shit! “Have you been taking your anti-depressants?” Son of a Mother! This was exactly what I was scared off, and now he had to ask about it. I nodded slowly, of course lying, but it didn’t matter anyway. “Stay on them Jean, I am serious, they can help you a lot. It is like life or death. I sneered as he handed me my crutches and I headed to the waiting area where Levi and Marco was sitting. Levi just looked plain pissed while Marco was smiling but still had blood crusted on his face. I laughed a bit before hoppling over to them. They both stood as we made our way out of the hospital and into Levi’s car so he could bring us back to get Marco’s car. It was already dark out, and I was exhausted and wanted to go to sleep. I looked over at Marco to see he was still smiling.

“What happened to your nose? You bled a fricking ocean but now you are all fine. Did you break it?” He shook his head laughing as he explained that he didn’t break it, just hit it hard enough to break one of the vessels or barriers or some other shit. Whatever it was, it sounded painful and I did not want it to happen to me. I nodded then looked out the window as we pulled to a stop and we thanked Levi and climbed out then climbed into Marco’s car. “Hey, you hungry?” He nodded and asked if we could stop at McDonalds. I laughed and nodded, handing him a fifty to pay since it was my fault we had gotten into this mess in the first place. He was so adorable, even with blood on his face. I wanted to press my lips against him, make sure he was okay, and if he wasn’t to make him feel okay. I wanted him to feel like a million dollars, and if not more. I wanted to make him feel wanted and special. I liked him so much and I wanted to lose myself to him. I wanted to give my life to him to hold and protect, because there was no way in hell that I could do it by myself.

 

***

 

When we arrived home I was exhausted, and I felt like a complete idiot for the whole entire day. What happened to Marco and what I had done to him was complete shit. I lay down on his bed and carefully took off my sweats and put them on the floor as Marco came over and rewrapped my ankle. His hands were so warm against my cool skin. I wanted him to just come and wrap himself around me and let me kiss him and then just fall asleep in each other’s arms. I had went from being someone that resisted the urge to like a guy to being someone that likes a guy so much that I feel like I am so gay I don’t even know what a girl is anymore. I laughed to myself at the thought and turned red. He was just so fricking adorable… no, that was too weak of a word. He was so amazingly beautiful that I am surprised that the world can deal with it. He has the perfect skin tone, and his freckles made him glow with beauty and his smile was breath taking. I had changed so much in a day that I just wanted to curl up and sleep the world away. Marco stood up and looked down at me.

“Jean you are sweating… You know you can take off your shirt if you need to, because I think I might.” I shone red hot at the thought or Marco topless. I mean, it wouldn’t be the first time since he changes in front of me all the time, but still. I nodded as he took his pants and shirt off so he was left in boxers, and all I could do was stare as I pulled my shirt off. He laughed, and I couldn’t help but just want him to be right next to me, at least holding hands.

“I am sorry you have to sleep with me because of your ankle, I am sure you miss your own bed.” I wanted to tell him that I didn’t but instead I just shrugged and thanked him for letting me stay in it. He shut off the light, the alarm clock being the only glow to guide him to his bed. We laid there for an hour before I heard the breathing of Marco that indicated he was asleep. He would always let little puffs of air out of his mouth as his nose scrunched every once in a while. My phone vibrated on my desk and shone towards the roof so I hopped on one foot over there. It was Jeanne.

 

To Jean: Hey. The hospital called me saying that u were there. (apparently I am on ur call list?) They said that u did something to your ankle but u r alright, thank goodness! They also said that they don’t think u r taking u depressants… Jean, u need to keep taking those, even if u think u r better u r not. Talk to me about things u ass-shat! Sleep well u little shit, and let me know if you need ANYTHING! Luv u <3

 

I laughed a little before replying.

 

From Jean: I am fine, stop worrying about me. I just banged my ankle up a bit and happen to be on crutches now, but the doctor said it shouldn’t be for a really long time. Hoping to get better fast so I can start being myself again, and maybe do something with you. I will talk to you tomorrow, have a good sleep you butt, I love you too.

 

I set my phone down and quietly and found the bottle of the stupid happy pills and looked at them as my phone vibrated again. I expected it to be Jeanne but it wasn’t. I set the medicine bottle down on my desk and read Mikasa’s name. 

 

To Jean: Hey! So, in a month Eren, Armin, and I will be hosting a camping trip and are inviting all of our friends since it is long weekend. You will need a tent, some food, some booze (if wanted), bedding, flashlights, glow sticks, cutlery and dishes, things to cook on, and things to maybe start a fire. I am really hoping you are able to make it because it is going to be a blast! Hope to hear your answer soon :)

 

I sighed and set my phone down again as Marco’s phone went off on his desk. I made my way over to see Mikasa’s name on the screen. I shook my head and crawled back into bed beside Marco. I wish I was better now, and I wish I wasn’t such a useful idiot that didn’t know what he was going to do with his life. I rolled over towards Marco, looking at the back of his head. He wouldn’t even notice if I put my arm around him, so I did. He wouldn’t even notice if I kissed him on the forehead, so I leaned over and I did. He would never know that I did that, or purposely drew his body closer to mine. I shut my eyes as my heart beated against his back. I liked him so much, that my chest ached as I fell into dreams of him, and us doing unspeakable things.

 

***

 

I woke up in the morning, sweating and mumbling Marco’s name. Luckily he hadn’t awaked yet, and I was hoping that he hadn’t in the middle of the night to hear me. I face palmed before looking at the clock to see that it would go off in five minutes. I untangled myself from his arms and swung my legs over the side of his bed. The blankets were at his waist, so I could see his bare chest from the light that was peeking though the curtains that covered the window. I sighed and grabbed my crutches that were lying on the ground, hoisting myself up before sauntering over to my dresser and throwing on some clothes. The alarm started beeping as Marco rolled over and looked up at me, smiling. I went and shut off the alarm as Marco sat up and ran his hand through his hair. I smiled then turned away as he got up and started putting clothes on. 

When he was done we went to the kitchen and grabbed some cereal and quickly ate, and once he was done he went to the room to grab a sweater. I finished up and put our bowls in the sink, running warm water over them. Bertolt and Reiner came out soon after. Bertolt smiled when he saw me, but Reiner still had on his grumpy morning face that made him look like shit. I laughed in my head before noticing that Marco had been gone for a while. As I went back to the room and swung open the door Marco looked over at me, a medicine bottle in his hand, and my phone was sitting on the desk. The bottle couldn’t be… my anti-depressants, I must have forgotten to put them back in my drawer before I went to sleep last night. A thousand thoughts went through my head, and I felt like complete shit. His eyes were full of hurt, and he looked back down at the nearly full bottle.

“Jean, why didn’t you tell me that you were depressed?” I scowled at him as he looked back up at me. His smile was straight, and his brows were furrowed. 

“That isn’t exactly what I would think to come into an everyday conversation, Marco. Plus, it isn’t any of your fricking business.” He was scowling at me now, and his gaze almost seemed to pierce into my soul. He was pissed, and I could tell because his face was turning red.

“Best friends, right? Isn’t that what you said to me one night? That we would always be best friends? Well sorry to tell you this Jean, but since we are best friends I would have told you if it were me. I would have made you aware of my condition, knowing that you would most likely try to help me. Do you not trust me, is that it?” I kept eye contact with him. I was so mad that I felt like I was going to punch one of the nicest guys I knew in the nose, and make it bleed again. 

“That isn’t it! Jeanne is the only one that knows, not even my parents do. Also, best friends don’t pry into each other’s business!” He cut me off before I could continue, throwing his hands in the air.

“Because it should be there business too! When we met I thought I had finally found a good friend to count on, and I wouldn’t have to worry about him leaving or replacing me. I thought you were different then all of the other people in this stupid messed up world, but no, everything is about you! You act like you don’t think anyone could possibly care about you, when I do Jean!” A lump formed in my throat as he finished. I wanted to cry; to just break down; to push all the thoughts away; to just push life away. I wanted to be a normal person, with a normal life and not have to worry about the future, or when the next time I was going to think suicidal was going to be. “These pills were given to you five months ago Jean. Have you just not been taking them?” His voice was full of hurt, and I slowly looked away. I knew he was upset with me, oh for crying out loud I was upset with me.

“Marco I wanted to tell you but, I just-“ Once again he cut me off, and I don’t blame him, because I would have done the exact same thing.

“I don’t care anymore Jean,” He set down the pills and grabbed my phone then grabbed his sweater and car keys, “We need to go or we are going to be late.” He pushed past me and into the hallway. I heard Reiner ask what was wrong before I heard a door slam shut.   
I was the stupidest person on this god damn planet. I felt as if Marco had ripped my heart out of my chest, tore it into a million pieces and then put it back in. I sighed and started making my way to the car, already wanting this day to be over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you enjoyed the third chapter. I had this chapter finished a couple days ago and the only reason I had time to write it was because I was camping and happened to have my laptop with me. Now that I am home though I am posting it at one in the morning. I am sorry that I have been sucky at updating, but I have been trying so hard to work around my schedule. I will try to post the net chapter sooner!
> 
> Hope you are all doing well me Lovely's <3


	4. Long Weekend of Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is time for the friend camping trip, and it turned out to be a lot more fun then Jean expected it to be. Some bad things happened, and some good things happened. Memories were made, but there was one thing in particular that Jean was never going to forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I updated in less then a week, I am actually really proud of myself.  
> Enjoy :)

The next weeks I felt like complete shit and just wanted life to be over. Marco and I barely talked, and when I would try he would mostly ignore me or pretend he was busy. The only reasons that he would talk to me is because he would bring me to and from class, or to and from doctor’s appointments because of my stupid ass ankle. I threw my pills in the trash, sick of seeing them sitting on my desk and scared Bertolt and Reiner would walk in. I craved them now, tired of holding back tears in front of Marco every night. I went from not liking him when he had first hit me with the door to falling hard for the big goof ball. His silence hurt me more than him yelling at me ever would. His voice, I longed for it, wanting him to just lay with me and whisper in my ear. We wouldn’t even have to touch, just have him speak and that would be enough for at least a week. I lay on my bed, looking up at the ceiling, choking back tears from the thoughts that race through my head. He had made Bertolt and Reiner help him de-bunk the bed as well as soon as he found out of my depression and says it was because I couldn’t climb the ladder to it. I called bullshit though, because we woke up every morning cuddling when we did sleep together so he is definitely just pissed at me because I didn’t tell him about my problem. I punched my bed and covered my eyes with my other arm as the door creaked open and I heard Marco shuffle over to his bed then plop down. I peeked over as he glanced down at his phone then looked at me as I covered my eyes again. I sat up and rubbed my eyes, glancing over at the door where boxes were stacked.

“What are all of those for?” I questioned but got silence in return. I shook my head before flopping back down onto the soft mattress. I was going to scream if we didn’t get into a conversation soon. His phone twinkled and he rolled his eyes before standing up and grabbing his keys off the desk. 

“We are going to be late Jean. We need to hurry if you want to get the cast off.” I grinned, savoring the voice of the angel that was sitting across the room. I sat up again and swung my legs over the bed, leaning down as I grabbed my crutches. I hoisted myself out of the bed and making my way through the door to get hells grip off of my foot.

 

***

 

When we got to the hospital Marco sat in the waiting room as I got the cast cut off. It felt nice to be able to wiggle my toes and be able to turn my ankle. It was sore, but it didn’t hurt nearly as much as it had. I sighed as the doctor led me out to the waiting room to Marco, who stood as he saw me. I smiled at him but he kept a straight face, that adorable jerk. We started walking towards the exit as one of the nurses stopped us, handing me a prescription. 

“We were made aware that you threw out your last anti-depressants, so we decided to give you some new ones. Jean sweetie, I know it may seem like that don’t help but they do. Stay on them.” She turned and walked away as I looked to see Marco halfway out the door. I stayed silent until we got into the car, and that was when I broke.

“Why the hell did you tell them I threw them out you stupid ass!” He turned the key in the ignition as the radio lightly started to play as it started to rain. He just sat there though, not driving. “It isn’t any of your business. I don’t need them,” tears started flowing down my cheeks as sobs escaped my throat, “I’m fine Marco. Can you get that through your head? I don’t have a problem, my whole life is one. I don’t even know what I am doing with myself, and I haven’t even found myself.” Sobs escaped my throat as I punched the dashboard with all the strength I had, which wasn’t much at the moment. I leaned my head down so my forehead rested on it. Marco grabbed me and pulled my face to his chest. I wet his shirt with my tears as I felt my heart beating.

“I’m sorry Jean, you are okay. Shhh. We are okay, you are okay.” I quieted down and listened to his heart, and Fight Song by Rachel Platten playing softly through the speakers.

 

***

 

The rest of the day was a blur, and I only remember falling asleep in Marco’s arms, and then before I knew it he was cradling me in his arms and carried me to my bed where I was down for the rest of the night.

It was the first day of the long weekend, and I was woken by Marco shuffling around the room. I peeked my eyes open and he turned and smiled.

“You’re finally awake. We have to go or the others are going to be wondering where we are.” I scowled and sat up, rubbing the sleepiness from my eyes. Where did we have to go that people would worry about us? “Jean, Reiner and Bertolt left over two hours ago to pick up Annie then head to the lake.” I stared at the clock to see it was almost noon.

“Where the hell do we need to go that is so important to you and everyone else?” Marco sighed and picked up some boxes.

“The camping trip Jean, did you forget? It is from today till Sunday, everyone is going to be there.” I shook my head saying I wasn’t going on a fricking trip with everyone, and that was when he started begging. “Jean please, we need to go, everyone has been so excited about finally getting together for the weekend. I will not let you spend it entirely by yourself, so would you please just pack some clothes. I already bought a tent and air mattress and food and everything.” I looked up at him to see his puppy dog eyes and quivering lip. I couldn’t say no to him, because that face was so adorable that it was my new weakness. I got up and started packing as he walked through the door shouting. “We need to leave soon to pick up Jeanne as well, so make it quick.” I groaned as I threw in the last thing I needed and ran out to the car, seeing that Marco was already in it. I climbed into the front seat as we went to pick up my sister.

When we got there she was immediately outside and climbing into the backseat with her bags. I stared at her as she smiled and flicked my forehead, telling Marco to drive. Her hair was back to being parted to you could see the different colors in her hair, and she wasn’t wearing any makeup. I smiled back before I turned back to the front.

“Where is your tent and everything?” I questioned and she shrugged telling me that she, Mikasa, and Annie were going to be sharing one. I laughed, thinking of the girls screaming if we were to pull a prank on them, and all of the giggling that would be going on.

“So, what kind of alcohol did you guys bring? I got Eren to take mine since I didn’t know if you two would have room.” I turned to Marco who kept staring at the road straight faced. I nudged his shoulder, and he turned to me then turned back to the cracked pavement. 

“Turn the fricking car around right now and go to the liquor store you ass-shat.” I was not going on a four day camping trip without some kind of beverage that would make me feel good. He sighed, turning the car around and headed towards the liquor store, which fortunately was only a block away from where we were. He parked and I quickly went in and grabbed a twenty-four pack of beer and a bottle of whiskey. I put it in the trunk and we were on our way to the lake once again, and 

I could already tell that the long weekend was going to seem even longer.

 

***

 

We arrived to see everyone standing around a fire, and five tents set up so far. Bertolt and Reiner were to share one, Mikasa, Annie, and Jeanne were to share one, Armin and Eren were to share one, Ymir and Krista were to share one, and Connie and Sasha were to share one. I sighed, trying to slump down in my seat to not be seen. Marco nudged me and shook his head, gesturing for me to get out as him and Jeanne did. I unbuckled my seat belt and slid out of the car as I was greeted by hugs and handshakes. I never hung out with anyone but Marco rather than during classes so I knew this was going to be an interesting week. They were all smiley and full of excitement, and all I did was frown and nod occasionally. They all probably thought I was an ass but I couldn’t give a shit anymore because I technically didn’t even want to be here. Marco brought out our tent as Mikasa offered to blow up our air mattress. We laid out the pieces to the contraption, preparing to set it up.

“I hope you have set up a tent before, because I have no fricking clue what the hell I am doing.” Marco rubbed the back of his neck and smiled, his freckles glowing in  
the sun.

“Well…” He laughed and I knew we were completely screwed. I sighed as we started putting pieces together like it said on the bag but we had already started to get mixed up. We started to put one of the poles in for the top as Eren came up to us. 

“Hey Horse Face, do you guys need a hand?” I scowled at him, gripping my fists tighter onto the pole. Marco looked at me and gestured to take a deep breath, so I did, and it didn’t help one bit.

“Get out of here you stupid munch, we got this.” He put his hand up in defensive and left which caused me to relax more. We got the pole in place as Marco grabbed the next one. We looked at the crappy tent then at the pole, questioning where it went.

“Maybe, go in the tent and hold it up so I can slide it into place, alright?” I nodded and stepped into the tent, holding it up and listening around me. I heard footsteps then Krista and Ymir’s voices, followed by Marco’s. I shook my head as I felt something hard hit me in the eye. I collapsed to the ground, allowing the tent to fall on top of me as I heard Marco gasp. I groaned, holding my eye as I felt it throb in its socket. The tent was lifted and Marco came and grabbed me, dragging me out by my arm pits.

“What the hell just happened?” I felt dizzy as someone removed my hand from my right eye and replaced it with something cold. I peeked my left eye open to see Jeanne squatting in front of me, looking worried.

“Jean, I am so sorry,” Marco quivered, “I did not mean to do that, I wasn’t really paying attention.”

“No shit!” I spoke and everyone was soon surrounding me. I felt crowed so I stood up, shaking away the dizziness that flooded my head. I started to walk but soon collapsed to the ground once again. Marco came and picked me up bridal style, taking me over to the fire and sitting me down in a chair. I wanted to go punch Eren in the face, just because I liked him least of all. I held the cold pack to my eye, wincing as I could feel my face go numb.

“Don’t worry about a thing alright, Jeanne is going to get you a drink and Eren is going to help me finish setting up the tent and stuff. You just relax, and I will come and check on you once we are done and see what to do about your eye.” I nodded as he left and I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned to see Jeanne holding out a water bottle and I shook my head at the sight.

“Jean, you need to drink something, it will probably help the pounding in your head.” I shook my head again as she pulled out a beer, and I went to grab it as she put it out of my reach. “If you drink half of this water bottle I will allow you to have this beer.” I sighed and took it from your hand, chugging the flavorless liquid then taking the can and cracking it open. I took a sip then leaned back farther in my chair.

“Thanks,” I spoke softly, “I needed that. I already want to go back to the dorm, I have no clue how I am going to last all weekend.” She shook her head and laughed softly, and I could almost see when we were kids and she would laugh when I did something stupid.

“Can’t you try to have fun for once in your life Jean? Even if you can’t, at least try to be happy so you don’t ruin everyone else’s weekend. Mikasa, Armin, and Eren have been waiting all month for this. Trust me you will have a good time if you try.” I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, nodding slowly as she started to speak again. “Can I see your eye?” I opened my eyes and looked at her removing the ice from my eye. She gasped and covered her mouth, swallowing quickly.

“It’s bad isn’t it?” I covered it again, wincing just thinking about what it might look like.

“No, it is fine. It could be a lot worse; you could have lost your eye.” I shook my head and scowled at her as she put on a fake smile and started laughing. “I am sorry 

Jean, you look like complete shit.” I chuckled as she kissed my cheek and walked away. I looked at the fire with my one good eye then turned to see our tent set up with everyone standing around as Jeanne jumped on Eren’s back, sending them both tumbling to the ground. People started laughing as Marco made his way over to me, smiling. I smirked as he took a chair beside me then removed the ice pack from my eye. Everyone took chairs and sat around the fire, talking and occasionally looking at us. Marco gasped and I tried rolling my eyes, but it hurt so I stopped immediately.

“It is bad, isn’t it?”

“No, it could be worse; you could have lost your eye.” Everyone started laughing, and I frowned as he got closer to me. My breath quickened and I could feel my heart start to beat faster. I heard people talking again as my face started turning red. Marco gently pulled my top eye lid up, looking me right in the eye. He moved on from that and looked at the bottom. I winced so he pulled his finger away and just stared at me. “Well, it definitely could have been worse. Your skin is bruised all the way around, so you have a big black eye. But when it comes to your actual eye ball nothing serious happened other than a little chunk missing on the very top. I am no eye doctor, but I think you will be alright.” I grimaced as everyone clapped at Marco. I didn’t know whether they were proud he almost killed me or he examined it so good. 

“Thanks Marco, I am glad I can count on you to hurt me then examine the wound.” He laughed as I took a sip of my beer and told him to go get one but he shook his head.

“No, I don’t drink.” My jaw dropped, and I could almost guarantee it was like those cartoons where it literally hits the ground. He shrugged as there was a slight blush on his cheeks and he leaned back in his chair.

“You mean you have never had a drink?” 

“No, as in I have and I agreed not to drink anymore. It is a long and boring story that I don’t feel like sharing.” I narrowed my eyes at him. He played the card how best friends trust each other and share everything when he found out about my depression, but now he wasn’t willing to share his secrets.

“Marco, what do you mean you agreed not to drink again? I swear to God if you do not have a drink with me right now I will take your car and drive back to the god damn dorm.” He shook his head as Ymir handed him a can of the alcohol. He cracked it open then pretended to take a sip and smiled setting it down. “One of my eyes may be fucked but that does not mean that I can’t see how that was obviously fake. You hassle me about having a good time, well now it is your turn. Drink the beer and I promise, you won’t regret it.” He eyed me up before picking the can up again and took a big sip. He made the funniest face after, coughing as if he took a drag on a cigarette. I laughed and drank more as he shook his head. I nodded.

“Jean, this is the nastiest stuff of life, how do you drink this for pleasure?” I shrugged, taking another sip and looked at everyone to see them watching us. It was quiet, and I felt uncomfortable so I decided that I needed a bathroom break.

“Where are the washrooms?” I asked, turning to everyone to see who knew, and everyone shook their heads until I landed on Armin.

“They are down the trail, and it is about a ten minute walk. It is by the lake too, so maybe you can see if the water is clean to go swimming.” I nodded as he pointed to a trail behind him and I stood up, and Marco followed claiming that he had to go as well. I nodded as we started walking, and soon we were encased in the darkness of trees. His eyes darted around; looking around him as if he was scared something was going to jump out of nowhere. I found it cute though how he would cower behind me when he heard or saw something. So I walked in front of him, keeping an eye out to make sure there was nothing that might startle him. He held on to the back of my shirt, as if making sure he wouldn’t get lost and separated from me. I couldn’t help but smile and feel the butterflies in my stomach. It was all going well until a squirrel ran in front of us, and of course Marco was tall enough to see over my head.

“What was that?” He screeched, pulling me close to him and burying his face in my neck, wrapping his arms around me having to lean down a lot. My heart started pounding, and I could feel my face going red.

“I-It was just a squirrel Marco, calm down. I can see the beach at the end of the trail.” I stuttered as he shivered before leaning away, smiling once again. I cringed and continued to walk again, and I could hear him trailing behind me. I calmed down a bit as we made it, and I walked into the smelliest out house I had ever seen. I held my breath the entire time, and when I got out I collapsed to the ground, taking deep breaths. Marco came out and did the same thing, and it was obvious that he had thought the same. We both started laughing, unable to stop as my phone went off in my pocket. I dug it out, seeing my reflection in it. My eye was black all the way around and a little swollen and I sighed as I read Jeanne’s name.

 

To Jean: I got ur and Marco’s swim suit, and we are about to walk down to go swimming. What the hell is taking u so long, my goodness… Is the lake clear?

 

I craned my neck to look at the water that was crystal blue.

 

From Jean: Yeah the water is clear, and sorry we are laying on the ground at the moment.

 

She sent a smiley face, and I decided not to answer. I turned to Marco who was staring at the sky, and I didn’t take my eyes off of him. He turned to me, and I made eye contact with him, his warm brown irises were like freshly melted chocolate.

“Why are you staring at me?” I nearly choked on my tongue, and I once again felt my face turning red and my gut twisted making me want to hurl.

“I-I… We are going swimming.” His eyes lit up and he was immediately on his feet. I laughed and stood myself as everyone came into the clearing and threw or swim suits and towels at us. We went into the washrooms and changed quickly, trying not to pass out from holding our breath so long. When we walked out the only ones in the water was Ymir with Krista on her shoulders. Then Connie and Sasha were splashing around with Reiner, Bertolt, and Annie slowly making their way in. Mikasa dragged Armin to the end of the dock and jumped in with him, and Marco laughed as we made our way down.

The only ones on the shore were Eren and Jeanne and they stared at Marco and I as we went and sat at the end of the dock. Our legs splashed in the water. Jeanne started laughing behind us and we heard foot step’s on the wood of the dock. We turned right in time as Eren threw her over our heads and into the lake, and it resulted in me pushing him off of the dock. Marco was full of laughter as he continued to watch everything that was going on. Eren came up carrying Mikasa on his shoulders, and she laughed, glancing over at me and tucking her hair behind her ear.

“I think someone likes you Jean.” I turned to Marco and shook my head furiously, biting my tongue to stop the words from flowing through me. He laughed again as I felt someone grab my ankle and pull me into the water. The cold surrounded me, making my skin tingle as I held my breath. I kicked upwards and soon surfaced to have the sun beat down on my face. Marco was laughing once again on the dock, and I turned to see Jeanne behind me. I smirked before nodding towards Marco and we both pulled him in. He came up spitting water and laughing and I went under and came up with Jeanne on my shoulders. She laughed and her legs wrapped around me, and Marco went under soon. I prepared to get knocked over; I did not prepare to get hoisted in the air. I steadied myself on his shoulders before we tumbled into the water laughing. 

My friends were having fun, and for once I was in their presence. I felt like I was on top of the world and Marco started a splashing war with me, and everyone soon joined in. This is what my friends were for, and they were practically my family. I may have had my doubts, but I actually trusted these people, even if it was hard. Eren actually made me laugh, and I didn’t want to strangle him, and it was almost as if I was as close with Jeanne as I used to be. I felt happy, and I guess this weekend wouldn’t be as bad as I intentionally thought it would be.

 

***

 

When we all got out it was getting dark, I was shivering, and I swallowed so much lake water I thought I was going to be sick. I practically ran back to camp to put on some pajama pants and a nice shirt and hoodie. I couldn’t go as fast as I preferred though because Jeanne insisted on me giving her a piggy back ride because she was shaking so much from being cold. When I got back I changed in the tent quickly then grabbed a beer and went and sat by the fire. After everyone else was changed they all held something to drink in their hand, even Marco. When I questioned him about it he spoke softly telling me I was right and that he was going to have fun. I smiled at him, and it made me feel special that he was going to do this for me. He took a long sip on the can and some dribbled down his chin. I smiled and took a drink myself, smiling against the cool aluminum as everyone started to talk. All I could focus on was Marco’s presence though, and it wasn’t long until he was grabbing another can of beer. I didn’t think it was a good idea though considering how he doesn’t drink and he drank pretty fast.

“Marco,” I grabbed his hand with the beer in it, “I don’t know if you should have another beer, it might not be the best idea.” He pulled his hand away, telling me to calm down but I could already hear the slur on his words.

When he grabbed his third beer I looked at the time, and it was already 1:30 in the morning. I said good night and went to the tent. Everyone was already buzzed and I was not in the mood to watch someone fall into the fire. I laid in mine and Marco’s bed as I heard the door to the tent unzip and someone climb in, I turned on the lamp to see Marco there, holding in giggles as he sat down on the bed and started rummaging through his bag. I sat up fully and stared at him as his giggles randomly stopped and he started shuttering. He turned to me, tears welled up in his eyes and I felt confused. My heart pounded, and my voice came out groggily.

“Marco, what’s wrong? Are you alright?” Marco hugged me, squeezing me tightly, and I could hear rattling behind my back. I pulled away to see my meds in Marco’s grasp, and I quickly grabbed them away. “Why do you have these? Marco, why would you bring these?” His crying turned to sobbing as he choked out words to form a sentence.

“I-I just wa-want to help you J-Jean; Can you please take them?” I shook my head looked him in the eyes to see his hurt. My smiley crush was now breaking right in front of me, and there was nothing I could do about it. 

“I can’t right now Marco, I drank.” He sobbed more so I pulled him into a hug. When I had first met him I had wanted to get him to stop smiling; I had wanted to break him. Now though, seeing him broke and crying I wanted him to smile, and to be his cheery self. Tears stung my eyes as I dug my head into his shirt and we lay down together. My head was on his chest, and His arm was around me. He kissed the top of my head, and I went numb.

“I love you Jean.” I held him tighter. He wouldn’t remember this in the morning. He was so drunk, that he probably didn’t even know what he was saying. He kissed my head again and I finally worked up the courage to speak.

“I love you too Marco; more then you will ever know.” 

 

***

 

He didn’t remember, and we were best friends once again; nothing more and nothing less. We were heading home now, classes started back up again tomorrow, and I almost wasn’t ready to say goodbye to the lake where Marco first said the three words. The weekend had flown by after that, and I hardly remember what went on because all I could think about was him. I leaned against the window, looking out at all the fields that were rolling by. It was Marco and I alone now since Jeanne decided to drive with Eren. I felt Marco’s elbow nudge me and I turned to see his smiling figure.

“What are you thinking about?” I kept my straight face and shook my head. Looks of concern formed on his face as we were nearing the University campus.

“I am just thinking about the weekend and how much fun I actually ended up having. Thanks for forcing me to go; some memories were certainly made there.” He nodded and made a turn towards our building, and all I could do was smile to make him feel good. Shit, I wanted to kiss him so bad, and I wanted to feel him next to me like that night he told me he loved me, even if he didn’t mean it. I was the best friend that thought these things, but I couldn’t help it. I was in love with Marco Bott, and there was no way for me to escape it, He had a perfect smile, and it was complimented by freckles that looked like chocolate sprinkles that went with his creamy brown eyes. He was a walking perfection, and I wanted him to be mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope you enjoyed reading about the camping trip, some of the things weren't planned, but I like how it turned out. If anyone had suggestions of things they would like to happen, or some things they want to say abut the chapters so far please do not be afraid to leave me a comment. 
> 
> I want to say thank you to all of the people that have read "The Day I Found Myself" so far. It is hard to believe that there is 100 of you out there *.*
> 
> Have and amazing week my Lovely's <3


	5. He is Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean gets a new job. He is also more gay then he thought he was, and he blushes a lot. Marco? Well, he is just an adorable dork :P

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy Chapter 5; Sorry it is so late!

I stared up at the roof that I couldn’t see, because I was encased by the darkness of my dorm room during the night. I had woken up to myself crying for no apparent reason that I can remember, and I looked across the room at Marco to see him sleeping peacefully with his mouth open. I turned to him now, unable to see all of his features, but I could tell that he was there, a big figure sleeping a couple feet away. I sighed to myself and started to think of the nights in the tent that we had. Feeling the warmth of his body beside me, and his arm snaking around my waist because he either drank too much or he was asleep. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, but they soon bolted open once again.

“Jean, are you awake?” I swallowed the dryness that was in my throat, trying not to startle him by making a squeaking sound. 

“Y-yeah, I can’t sleep.” I took a deep breath, hoping he would just fall back asleep if he hadn’t already. It had been different with him ever since he said he loved me, and the words echoed in my head every time I saw him. I felt as if there was so much meaning in his words when he had said it, even if he was drunk.

“Come here.” My eyes widened before I heard him move over in his bed. I slowly crept out of my own and I took tiny steps towards him, almost as if I was afraid to make a sound. My foot caught on something and I fell forward. My head smacked on the wall as I landed on Marco. I groaned, rubbing my head as the head ache started to form. He chuckled as I rolled off so I was lying beside him, our bodies touching at the hips, and I couldn’t help but smile as my arms fell by my sides. “You are so clumsy Jean.” It had been a week since we had been this close, and my heart beated faster, my hands starting to sweat. He turned towards me lying on his side, so I followed suit and soon we were face to face. He smiled so I managed to get a pathetic smile back.

“Why are you awake?” I softly whispered, just loud enough so he could make out what I was saying. He only shrugged though, and I could feel his breath hit my face as he exhaled through his mouth. It smelt like his mint tooth paste that he always used, mixed with the different kind of mint mouth wash. I thought it was funny how he mixed the two, but somehow he made it work. I took it all in, and only imagined what he would taste like.

“Why are you up?” He spoke so soft that he could have been a new born kitten trying to meow. I shrugged; the same thing he did and he smiled softly. The way he interacted at night was different then day, which was obvious. His eye lids open and closed slowly and he almost seemed to be softer if it was even possible. My eyes drooped closed, and it took me a second to be able to open them again. If I moved an inch our faces would connect, and I would feel his lips on mine. I could only imagine how soft and full they would be, and how I wanted every piece of them; of him. I couldn’t remember much after that other than seeing his smiling face as my eyes fell closed one last time, and I started to dream.

 

***

 

I woke up to Fight Song by Rachel Platten blaring out of my phone, which was Marco’s ring tone. I flew out of his bed, landing on the floor hard, my elbow hitting the hard wood. I stood up and started jumping around, trying to get the pain that was in my arm to disintegrate. I ran over to my desk and grabbed my phone, slamming my pinkie toe on one of the desk legs, and as I cried out in pain and started to hoping on one foot holding my toe I lost my balance and fell backwards, which ended up with me hitting the back on my head on the floor. I answered the call, holding the phone to my ear as I cried out in pain.

“Hello?” I questioned, and the person on the other end seemed confused.

“Hey Jean, sorry if I woke you, but I am at Starbucks, and I was wondering if you like parfaits?” When did he leave? I held the phone away from my ear and looked at the time seeing we had an hour and a half before class started. I held the cell back to me ear.

“What the hell is a parfait?” I heard him laugh on the other end before he answered.

“It is a layered food with yogurt, fruit or berries, and granola. I will grab you one, and if you don’t like it I will eat it.” I nodded, and before I realized he couldn’t see me he had ended the call. I sighed and laid my phone beside me, closing my eyes again.

I ended up falling asleep, opening my eyes to someone kicking me in the leg. Marco stood above me with his hands on his hips. I felt lazy, not wanting to get up, but I couldn’t refuse when he extended his hand out to me. As I landed on my feet I pulled out my desk chair and sat in it. A cup and spoon was placed in my hand, and a warm beverage on my desk. I took the lid off from the parfait and started eating, to hungry to care what it tasted like. It was layered with vanilla yogurt on the bottom, then strawberries, then honey granola. I didn’t know if it was the best combination, but it certainly tasted fine.

“I got you a Caramel Macchiato; I know they are your favorite.” I was surprised he knew this, considering we had only gone to Starbucks once, and that was when we first met. “I mean, I assume that they are your favorite since that is what you ordered last time.” His cheeks were flushed pink as I nodded and took another bite of my parfait.

“You are right Mr. Featured Dark Roast.” He smiled and took a sip of his coffee. There was one simple reason I remembered what he ordered; because I liked him. I took a sip of my coffee, and it danced on my taste buds as I savored another sip. I closed my eyes again and Marco lightly kicked me, so I opened them to look at him. He was shaking his head lightly, swirling his coffee in his hand.

“Jean, now is not the time to fall asleep. We better go so I don’t have to carry you to class.” I nodded my head, already starting to get dressed. By the time I was done I grabbed my coffee and made my way out the door and to Marco’s car.

 

***

 

Classes sucked, as usual. All that my friends would talk about was the camping trip as if I wasn’t there myself, and I thought it would be done by now since it has been a week. Their lives honestly must be worse than mine if they only have one thing to talk about. I kept rolling my eyes, my arms crossed over my chest as Marco smiled and rubbed the back of his neck. I could tell that he was getting annoyed as well. The only one that actually tried to talk about something interesting was Mikasa. She would ask me how I was doing with a little smile and a flip of her hair. I would answer with the stupidest remark I could muster and she would answer by giggling and tucking her mouth in her red scarf that she has had since she was little. I found it weird the way she was acting, so I decided to ask Marco about it, but he didn’t seem to know what I was talking about. He was such an adorable nerd though that even his confused look made me want him. I nodded but he just shook his head and continued to talk to Armin and Connie. She came up to me again asking if I was alright which I guess I was, so I nodded slowly. We weren’t good friends, and we definitely weren’t anything more than that so I had no idea what her problem was. I somehow found light in her dark eyes when she looked at me, but when I looked when she was talking to someone else there was nothing. 

“Jean, what is your problem, you seem really confused.” I shook my head, trying to get my eyebrows to un-scrunch with no success. She was going to catch on how I didn’t like the way she was acting sooner or later, but I did not want it to be now. I turned to Marco and tapped his shoulder so he turned to me. I nodded towards the door so he nodded and stood up, saying goodbye to everyone. I practically dragged him to the car, trying to get out of there as fast as I possibly could. When we got in he immediately started questioning me.

“Why are you in such a rush? Jean, what is going on?” I shook my head and started to think back to the way she was acting. Laughing at things that weren’t funny, batting her eye lashes, the light in her eyes; there is no way that she possibly could like me.

“Mikasa is acting strange and I am uncomfortable, so can we just leave?” He turned the key in the ignition before turning to me again.

“What is she doing that is so strange? I mean all I saw her doing was talking to you.” I didn’t want to sound like an idiot in front of him, but if I had to for us to leave then I suppose I would.

“She was flirting! No matter what I would say she would laugh or some shit, and she kept batting her eye lashes, which is weird because at first I thought she had something in her eye because she was blinking all the time. Also, do you ever see light in her eyes while you guys are talking?” He giggled before answering my question.

“Not particularly.”

“Exactly!” I threw my hands up in the air as if it would help to get my point across. “I never had either until now. This is completely insane!” Marco still stifled laughs, and it made me feel even more like an idiot.

“Why are you so afraid Jean? It is not like she is going to take advantage of you. Just be nice to her and maybe you will see something you never saw there before.” I shook my head as he started to pull out.

“I have seen enough.”

 

***

 

I went for a walk by myself later that night since Marco had fallen asleep watching me play Call of Duty. It was getting cold out, so I threw on a coat and scarf and headed to Starbucks to think a little. I didn’t like Mikasa, and there was no possible way that I ever would again. I mean she was nice and all, but the thought of actually being in a relationship with her made me cringe. I don’t understand how I randomly became as gay as I am, but I guess it hit me pretty hard. I ended up making my way past Starbucks to see that they were looking for people to hire, so I ended up asking them for a job. They interviewed me quickly, I gave them my phone number, and they would let me know if I got the job. I didn’t even process what I was doing until it was done. Sure I liked Starbucks, but I didn’t know if I liked it enough to work there. On my way out I ran into Jeanne. We both tumbled to the ground, and once we realized who it was we were both laughing.

“Wow, I didn’t know you were the walking type Jean.” I grinned at that and helped her up, brushing off my pants. I didn’t even know that she was the walking type, so I didn’t know what her deal was. We both started walking towards my dorm somehow, and I didn’t know how to tell her that she was going to the wrong way.

“So, what have you been up to? I mean, other than running into people on the street.” I nudged her and let out a little laugh. She seemed a little more concerned than usual.

“I am more interested in you Jean.” I stopped in my tracks and we turned to each other. I needed answers, and fast.

“What are you interested in?” I asked my eye brows already raised.

“Oh come on Jean, I see the way that you look at him.” She spoke softly, a big smile forming on her face.

“Look at who?” I spoke impatiently. 

“Marco you ass-shat, who else? You look at him the same way you used to look at Mikasa, I just didn’t know you were gay. Why didn’t you tell me you were gay Jean? I wouldn’t have judged you.” I shook my head and continued to walk, her right beside me.

“For one do not talk about Mikasa around me, she has been giving me the creeps. Two, I am not gay.” She laughed out loud, and I am pretty sure they could hear her across the world. She wiped tears from her eyes before she continued.

“If you aren’t gay then what are you?” I cringed, gears turning in my mind as I started to think of the right word for it. I was hopelessly gay, but I didn’t want her to know that.

“I am bisexual. At least, I think I am, or I want to be.” She nodded, rubbed her arms as I watched her think deeply.

“That could be true Jean, but I can see that you are in love with Marco and you need to tell him. I know it must be hard and all, but it would probably help if he knew.” I shook my head. There was no way in hell I was about to tell him how I truly felt, no matter how much Jeanne wanted me too. As if on cue Fight Song started to blast from my phone, so I dug it out of my pocket.

“Marco, what’s up…? No… You are cold?” I looked as Jeanne started mouthing ‘tell him’ at me. “I will be right there… I know it is late, once I get there we can go straight to bed… Yeah… Alright Marco, I will see you in a couple minutes… Bye.” I hung up as Jeanne started to squeal.

“You are totally in love with him Jean, I knew it! This is going to be so hard to keep in, but I will until you are ready.” She tackled me in a hug, and I hid my face. Someone knew, and it was only a matter of time until everyone did.

 

***

 

When I walked into our dorm Bertolt and Reiner were sitting at the table with coffee in front of them and their hands were locked together in the middle of the wooden rectangle. My eyes went wide, and they both released their grip, bolting to their feet.

Hah, I knew they were queer! 

I shouted in my head, mentally patting myself on the back. It wasn’t long till someone found out. I wasn’t one to judge though, considering I was one myself.

“Jean, we thought you were in your room. Please, I beg of you, do not tell anyone. We are not ready for anyone to know.” I nodded and punched Reiner in the shoulder.

“Don’t sweat it man, your secret is safe with me.” They both looked very confused as I went to my room to find Marco curled up, shivering in his bed. Goose bumps laced his arms as well as freckles, and I just wanted to wrap myself around him to warm him up, but I didn’t.

“Hey Jean, I am wearing sweatpants and a sweater and I am still cold.” I chuckled a bit before stripping down to boxers, turning off the light, and crawling under the blankets next to him. He was cold, but I didn’t feel like it was my right to just go right in and spoon him. “Jean, I am so cold, can you please get closer?” My stomach twisted into knots as I nodded, wrapping my arm around him as he cuddled closer into my chest. My chin rested on the top of his head as he took a deep breath then spoke. “Where were you?” 

“I went for a walk, and applied for a job at Starbucks. I guess I saw the sign and decided that I wanted to.” I felt him smile against me, his eyes getting big.

“That’s awesome Jean, hopefully they hire you.” He yawned, and I found myself yawning with him. I would have never guessed myself to be someone with depression at times like these. I listened to his steady breathing until I knew he was asleep. I kissed his head and closed my own eyes for the night, ready to see what tomorrow would bring.

 

***

 

I woke up to my phone vibrating repetitively on my desk. I sat up, groggily rubbing sleep from my eyes as Marco’s hand fell from my torso to my lap. I sighed and swung my legs over the side of my bed and stood up, sauntering over before grabbing my phone and seeing the word ‘unknown’ scattered across the screen. I scowled, sliding my finger across the screen and holding it to my ear.

“Hello?” My voice cracked from the fact that I had just woken up. I ran my fingers through my hair and sat down on my chair.

“Yes, is this Jean Kirstein?” I nodded then soon answered with a quiet ‘yeah’ moments later. The person on the other end seemed to be way to joyous considering it was so early in the morning. “Great, this is Sherry from Starbucks! We just called to say that you are hired if you still want the job.”

“Y-yeah, I am still up for the job. Do I know you from somewhere?” I heard a little giggle before she answered. I don’t know what was so funny, and I didn’t feel like laughing.

“We have most of our classes together. Looks like we will be working together now as well; isn’t that great?!” I was five seconds closer to marching over to Starbucks and forcing the smile that I knew she had off of her face. “Anyway, your first shift is tonight at seven, bye Jean.” 

“Yeah.” I spoke quickly before she hung up. This girl was so cheery all the time; I knew this because every time I see her she is smiling. Even if it was probably the worst time in life to smile she still would most likely. It is almost like she has nothing in the world to be upset about. She was pretty much the female Marco, but I have seen him cry once.

“Congrats Jean, I am glad.” I nodded before setting my phone down and crawling back into bed beside him, my eyes closing instantly as his arms wrapped around me and I welcomed his warmth.

 

***

 

It felt like seconds that I had been sleeping when the alarm sounded. I cursed as my eyes sprung open. I was lying on my back, arms above my head like a baby might sleep, a trail of drool flowing down my cheek. I wiped my face with the back of my hand as Marco turned quickly, elbowing me in the stomach. I gasped as I curled up in a ball, trying to breath with no success. Marco apologized as giggles escaped his throat as he brushed his hair out of his eyes. I watched him subtly as I took deep breath, seeing that he lit up. He crawled over me, and I felt myself turn a deep crimson as his hips shifted. As soon as he was off I got up and started getting dressed, feeling as if I was more rushed than usual, which I knew I wasn’t. I was dressed before he had even picked out his outfit, and I ran out to the kitchen, finally calming down. All I could see in my mind was him giggling, and shifting over me. I rubbed my eyes and sighed, cringing my teeth as I stared making up to bowls of Cheerios with glasses of orange juice. I never really drank orange juice until I met Marco, because when he made breakfast that is what we had. Normally with me we had milk because that had always been my favorite, but now, I guess I wanted him to be happy. His biggest complaint was that since there was milk in the cereal we shouldn’t drink it, which frustrated me but I agreed for him. He walked out of the room and sat down in a chair as I laid out the food in front of him and he shoveled a bite into his mouth, and it looked like he was having a hard time chewing it all. I sat down beside him, taking a bite myself, but it was much smaller than his. I chewed slowly then turned to see that he was looking at me.

“What?” I asked softly and he shook his head and smiled in response. I immediately started panicking. Did I have some thing on my face? Did I smell bad? I turned away as my eyes grew and I stared at my cereal.

“It’s nothing Jean. Seriously, stop worrying so much.” I exhaled deeply before turning to see him smiling at me once again. I rolled my eyes before setting my spoon down. 

“Your hair is sticking up.” I ran my fingers through his hair which sent shivers up my arm and into my chest. Butterflies formed in my stomach as my heart race quickened, and to top it all off we somehow managed to make eye contact. His chocolate eyes were stunning, filled with golden flecks. I felt my face flush as I held back my blushes and urge to lean in. I pulled away as we turned away from each other. I wanted to hide my face in my hands, but I knew that would give away the feelings I felt for him and I did not need to deal with that today. But he turned away too, could that mean he liked me? No, he definitely was just embarrassed because I pointed out his hair, but God if I have something on my face I will cry.

 

***

 

Awkwardness. That was all my day was with Marco. I was glad to get away from him, it just sucked that it was for work. Normally people don’t feel that on their first day, but as soon as I walked in the door to see every employee smiling I wanted to leave. Sure, I smile sometimes, but their smiles were irritating. If I would have walked in to see Marco’s smile it probably wouldn’t have been that big of deal. But this; this was shit. I stood at the counter taking people’s money and learning how to make drinks. I also officially hated the colour green. Everything was green pretty much, and it made me want to puke. The best part of it was spelling people’s names wrong and watching their faces when they get their cups; priceless! I remember chuckling at a group of girls before someone cleared their throat in front of me. I turned to see Marco’s smiling figure as I asked what he was doing here. He shook his head before motioning to a table where his laptop and coat were. Great, he was here to do homework. I took his order, and just to be nice I spelt his name right with a little smiley face at the end.

It was two hours later when he left and waved ‘bye’ to me, and I knew that I now had nothing to stare at while I wasn’t busy. I fake shot myself as another costumer came in and I turned to see Professor Levi. I took his order and asked what his name was, and he shot me a scowl. I shut up and wrote his name, handing the cup to Sherry so she could make his drink.

“So, Professor Levi-“ He cut me off before I had time to finish what I was saying.

“Jean.”

“Yes sir?”

“Remind me to never come to this coffee shop again. I may have helped you, but you still annoy the hell out of me.”

“Yes sir.”

 

***

 

It was a couple hours later that I got off shift, and I was on my phone as I walked home. I went on Instagram after I checked text messages and I saw a picture that made me smile. It was of Marco smiling, holding his drink with his name showing and me in the back ground taking someone’s order. That adorable dork; I took a screenshot then read the comments:

freckledjesus: Thanks Jean ;) <3

baldeagle: Whoa! Jean works at Starbucks?

erenknowsbest: Marco, let me know when he works again; Armin and I will go and interrogate him!

knightisarmoured: Hey @erenknowsbest let me know when and Bertolt and I will come :)

freckledjesus: You guys are so mean! Ask Jean if you want to know!

erenknowsbest: :(

I sighed and put my phone in my pocket as I took a deep breath. I was excited to go to bed, and have his body encased around me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Lovely's!
> 
> I am so sorry that I posted this chapter so late. I had family camping then got really sick. I also went to my sister's for a couple nights, then the city, and I have been sleeping a lot and catching up with friends. I also start school soon so I have been preparing for that ^_^
> 
> Please feel free to comment ideas that you would like me to include in future chapters and maybe some future advice. Or if you have some remarks about chapters that I have already posted feel free to comment about that! I really love feedback.
> 
> Love You <3


	6. Resurant and Thinking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean and Marco go to a restaurant together, but what happens?

The art of balancing school work and normal work was something I would never be able to master; Late nights, extra large coffee’s, being more emotional than normal, and trying to talk to Marco so I didn’t seem like a complete jerk. Most of the times when I got home from work he was sleeping, but on the rare occasion he would be laying in bed staring at the cracked roof with his eyes dropping open and closed. When I asked why he was up he would say he felt bad that I had to stay awake and he didn’t, which would make my heart beat in an irregular pattern. We were on our way to class now, Marco humming along to the quiet melody playing through the stereo as I watched his facial change due to the sharpness of the note. He turned to me and I quickly darted my head to stare out the front window.

“Why are you staring at me?” He questioned as I shook my head a little bit.

“I don’t know what you are talking about Marco! I have been watching the road the whole time.” I held back a laugh and held my composure. 

“Well then, I must be made of tar and have a yellow line painted across me because you were most definitely looking at me.” He chuckled and it took everything in me not to burst into laughter. He had just said it so plainly like that was the way it was, it could have made a blind person believe him.

“No, it is the thing you are driving on with your car! Can you please speed up Marco?” I pursed my lips as our speed began to decrease. “What the hell are you doing?  
Speed up!”

“Not until you admit that you were staring at me.” I shook my head in disbelief as we practically came to a full stop.

“Alright,” I shouted, “I was staring at you, now please speed up or we will be late! I don’t want Professor Hanji to do experiments on us!” I watched as things started to move by faster and Marco chuckled then sneered. “I knew it.” I leaned back in my seat and shook my head. What an adorable nerd.

 

***

 

Thanks to Marco we were two minutes late for class, which led to Professor Hanji making a big deal in front of the whole class and Jeanne yelled for us to get our shit together then laughing. Marco winked at her and I just sneered, taking my seat as Professor Hanji continued to talk about what she was. I practically toned her out, thinking about Marco. What was he thinking when I said I was staring at him? Does he think I am a weird creep? Is he going to de-friend me? I got an elbow in my arm and turned to see Marco’s concerned eyes.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“Excuse me, Jean and Marco!” Professor Hanji spoke loudly, and we both turned to her. “First you arrive late and now you are disrupting our class, please be quiet and respectful.” Marco swallowed hard before gaining the courage to answer.

“Yes Professor Hanji, sorry, we have been very rude lately and hope you can forgive us.” She glared and nodded before turning back to the board as I chuckled.

“I am fine Marco, I am just thinking about some things.” He nodded, and went quiet for a minute, Professor Hanji’s voice the only thing we could hear.

“You don’t have to work tonight, do you?” I shook my head before he continued. “Well I heard there is a really good restaurant down the road from Starbucks. I have been wanting to try it out but don’t want to go by myself; do you think maybe you could come for supper with me tonight?” I felt like my eyes were going to pop out of my head as my heart beat sped up. I hadn’t even been this excited in my life, but all I could think to do was stay calm. Deep breaths. Do not scream.

“Sure, a big supper actually sounds pretty good!” Nailed it. I don’t sound like an obsessive freak and I get to go for supper with Marco, this day couldn’t possibly get any better.

“Okay, class is dismissed, have a good rest of the day.” I stood up and walked with Marco to his car. Just a couple more classes then supper, hopefully I don’t mess this up.

 

***

 

Sitting on my bed, waiting, nervous. Marco walks in smiling, asking me if I was ready to go as I nodded. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I tried to calm my shaking. I pushed off my bed and felt as if my legs were going to give out under me. I knew I was going to be shaky and nervous, but I never thought it would be like this. I felt as if I moved down the hall to his car in slow motion, my breathing slow and steady as I climbed into the already warm car. I don’t even him remember pulling out of our parking, but before I knew it we were on the road, heading towards this restaurant he told me about. I tapped my foot, rubbing the sweat that streaked my hands onto my pants. Marco seemed overly cheery, and even though I spent hours trying to prepare myself and failing miserably he seemed cool about it; all of it. I had apparently been deep in thought because he turned off the ignition as I blinked rapidly, climbing out of the car. I walked in, Marco holding the door behind me as we were met by Jeanne in a black pencil skirt and a nice top with her hair pulled into a bun that looked like a flower.

“Welcome to Betty’s Barn, table for two?” I smirked and nodded as she started leading us to a booth in the far corner of the room. I slid in one side and Marco on the other as she asked if we wanted any drinks but I questioned when she got a job here.

“Shows how much my twin pays attention. I started working here when school started ass-shat. Now, you want a drink or not?” I rolled my eyes as Marco ordered water and I nodded. “Jean, does nodding mean you want water as well?” Marco laughed as I continued nodding as she placed menus in front of us then left. I unfolded mine as Marco followed suit. I stared at all the pictures, trying to decide what looked best before looking at the words. Jeanne came back and placed our water in front of us before asking what we wanted.

“I’ll have a BLT with fries and gravy on the side, please.” She nodded before turning to me as I continued to stare at the menu. “Jean, do you need a couple more minutes?” Marco questioned as I shook my head.

“I’ll get Club House Sandwich with curly fries,” Jeanne raised an eyebrow, “Please?” She nodded and smiled before taking the menus and walking away. “So, M-Marco.” He glanced up at me, taking a sip of his water. “How were your classes today?” He swallowed and leaned back before playing with some water that had dripped onto the table.

“It was alright I guess; some teachers seemed really impatient today so I didn’t ask about things I didn’t understand. Maybe I will work up the courage to ask tomorrow.” I nodded, taking a sip of the cool beverage that made my teeth tingle. “What about you Jean?”

“Oh, it was the usual really. Professor Erwin still scares the shit out of me, Levi is still short, Hanji is still insane.” He laughed as I smirked. I loved his laugh, and I just wanted to hear it every second of everyday. I looked at him to see his beautiful smile along with the perfect placed freckles aligning his cheeks and dimples. I opened my mouth to speak as food was set in front of us. It hadn’t taken long and I was already impressed. We both started eating as I started questioning him.

“So, how is nursing going?” His eyes lit up at that, and I was so happy to see that he was enjoying it. He practically jumped around in his chair like a little kid as he washed down the food in his mouth with water.

“You are the first person to ask me, and I have wanted to talk about it for so long but I didn’t want anyone to think I was crazy or annoying. Plus, you are the only one that truly knows what my career choice is.” I nodded before he realized that he should continue. “Anyway, it is absolutely amazing. I have been learning so many amazing things and actually know how to properly do CPR now. I have also been learning how to give needles and give IV’s. Maybe I can try on you one day?” He winked and I shivered just at the thought of a needle coming close to me.

“No way in hell.”

“Jean, when is the last time you got vaccinated?” I shook my head and put a fry in my mouth, touching my arm, not wanting to remember the last time.

“Let’s not talk about it.” He nodded and continued eating as Jeanne filled up our glasses. She winked at me then swaggered away, a smile playing at the corners of her mouth. I rolled my eyes and took a bite of my sandwich as Marco did the same. I blushed then looked away, holding my napkin up to my mouth. “May I be excused?” Marco raised an eye brow then nodded. I stood then sauntered over to the rest room, standing at the sink and looking into the mirror. I had eye bags because I didn’t know what to do about them, and my hair was messy. I ran my fingers through it, noticing I was shaking again. Marco and Jeanne seemed so calm, and I was just a mess. Tears welled up in my eyes as I shook my head and rubbed them. I looked down to see blood on my hands. My eyes shot back up to my face to see it clean, the exact same way it was, and when I looked at my hands again the blood was gone. Last time I had stopped taking my pills this had happened. I saw more and more bad things, thinking my life was over even though I knew it never was. I looked into the mirror again and then walked out, seeing Marco eating fries quietly at our table. It was hard, seeing him and thinking of him in the way I do, knowing that he probably doesn’t feel the same way. I sat down again and started eating Marco glancing up.

“Jean, are you okay?” I shook my head then shrugged and nodded. I finished my food and water as Marco spoke again. “Jean,” He touched my hand, “You can talk to me.” I pulled my hand away and looked up at him to see worry plastered on his face.

“No, Marco, I can’t.” My voice cracked at the end of my sentence.

“Why not? Jean,” He began but I cut him off quickly.

“I just can’t Marco, can you understand that for once? I just, I can’t.” He seemed shocked as he cleared his throat. I felt bad for snapping, but I couldn’t help it.

“Can’t or won’t.” I was frustrated, and I stacked my dishes as I placed a fist on the table.

“Don’t pull that shit Marco, it shouldn’t matter to you anyway. Even if I wasn’t fine it shouldn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter to anyone!” 

“Is everything okay here?” Jeanne asked as she placed the bill on our table. I nodded as Marco picked up he slip of paper, pulling money out of his wallet and placing it on the table. We both stood and walked out to his car, climbing in as Marco pulled out in silence. I didn’t understand what I was so mad and nervous about, but when it hit me it hit me hard.

 

***

 

It had all started with Eren when I stopped opening up to people. When I had opened up to him I got shot down, he never really cared about what happened to me. We were sixteen at the time, and when he started bugging me about it I didn’t know how to cope with it. I remember having all of my feelings bundled up inside of me and I felt like I was about to burst. I found like it was a good thing that after years I got over it. Anyway, one day he decided to make fun of me in the school yard during gym. I got so mad that somehow I was magically straddling him and punching him in the nose. He flipped us and hit me back. There was blood shed, and cuts made. It was broken up by all of our friends and that was when Eren and I drifted apart.

He was my first true friend, and the fact that I had lost him so easily broke me. I decided not to talk to people about personal stuff after that to avoid being judged. That was part of the reason I didn’t tell anybody about my depression. I had drifted farther and farther away from people, and I didn’t think I would every find someone to get along with after that, but then I met Marco. But I had a feeling I might have ruined that already.

 

***

 

When we got home we both went to the room and sat on our beds. I felt bad, but I felt more frustrated than anything else. I just wanted him to understand, but he was such a caring person I didn’t think he ever would.

“Jean, please just talk to me about it, that is all I care about right now. I just want you to be happy.” I shook my head as tears welled up in my eyes. “Why are you always keeping things to yourself? Don’t you understand that there are people that love and care about you?” He was angry now, shouting. I clutched my fists and gritted my teeth. “You just push people away, and it seems that is all you are ever good for. I want to be your friend Jean, I want you to be in my life, and I want to be in yours.”

“You just don’t get it Marco!” We both bolted to our feet. “You don’t understand what goes on in my head, and you don’t understand what I deal with every day? I practically wake up in hell every morning and try to please everyone so I don’t get blood on my fricking hands.” We started towards each other.

“Well you should just stop, because you are just making everyone feel like shit anyway!” It was one of the first times I had ever heard Marco swear. I twisted his shirt in my fists, pulling him down to my height.

“Maybe I will just give up then!” It went quiet for a second before I realized that Marco’s head was slowly moving towards my own. I felt a blush form on my cheeks as I moved my own head forward. I felt his warm breath trace my skin, his lips only centimeters from my own. I was just about to close my eyes when our door flew open and we pushed each other away. Reiner stood in the door and I turned to see Marco’s red face. Tears welled up in my eyes once again.

“Is everything alright in here?” Reiner grinned as I pushed past him and ran out of the dorms and down the street, trying to wipe tears from my eyes. I felt like an ass but at the same time I felt like the life I had built up was crashing down to billions and billions of pieces. I touched the side of a building that was a foot from the walk, taking deep breaths and letting out sobs. I was cold, and the wind seemed to blow right through me. I crumpled to my knees, still holding the wall as I let tears fall onto the pavement. I turned and pressed my back to the brick, hiccups forming with the tears and I pulled my knees to my chest. I leaned back and closed my eyes, allowing the darkness to encase me like never before. I felt my mind drift far away, like I felt Marco drifting away, not knowing if it would ever return. I let out a final sob before I was dragged into the nightmares I had once had so many times a night.

 

***

 

When I had the nightmares as I kid the people were just black and shadowy because my mother had never described the characters or given them names; now though I knew them all. All of my friends were there, facing the wretched monster called monsters. Flying from building to building, slicing and killing trying to gain back a wall. Mostly everyone was being there, and I took deep breaths, looking around as they echoed in my head. Eren was the titan shifter that was humanity’s hope, and I couldn’t help but cringe. I gripped the blades that I held in my hand, knowing that he and I were the people that fought all the time in the story. I killed, thinking about all of the things that would happen next. Everything was well until I closed my eyes for two seconds and then opened them to see knew scenery. Fires were burning and bodies of comrades were in piles. A cloth covered my mouth so I wouldn’t breathe in fumes as I walked down a path.  
I stopped as I saw a body sitting against a building, except it wasn’t fully there. They were bit in half; blood splattered on the persons torn clothes and crusted on their skin. They’re dark hair was in clumps and the freckles that lined their face were barely visible now since the blood coated them. I took a deep breath until my voice cracked out.

“Marco.”

 

***

 

Someone was shaking me, and soon my eyes shot open and I could feel the dried tears on my face. I didn’t know if they were about the nightmare or the fact that Marco and I were fighting. I looked to see Jeanne in front of me, worry and hints of tears plastered on her face. She pulled my into a hug as I shivered, and she pulled away and touched my face, turning my head to see if I had any injuries.

“Jean, are you alright?” I nodded and then her face coated in anger as she punched me in the arm. “Then what the hell is wrong with you? Do you have any idea how worried I was?” I shrugged as I leaned my head back against the cool wall once again. She helped me up and we started walking towards her dorms, and that was when she decided to question me. “Jean, what the hell is going on?” I cleared my throat to try to keep my composure.

“Marco and I are fighting, but its fine I guess.” She nodded before explaining that I needed to stay with her tonight so I wouldn’t freeze to death outside. I nodded back, not knowing how to argue with her, and also because I was so emotionally drained. 

I thought back to when I held Marco’s shirt. I thought he was leaning in, but it must have just been in my head. Marco couldn’t possibly like someone like me. I mean, he was adorable, perfect, smart, and a nice guy while I was just, me. I felt as if I held my breath the whole time when I had arrived with Jeanne to her dorm because I was out of breath and breathing heavily.

“Alright, Jean, you need to be as quite as you can because the other girls could possibly be sleeping.” I nodded as she slowly opened the door to be greeted by darkness. She took her phone and turned on the flash light that was on it. Wood floors and unmarked walls met my eyes as we made our way to her room. The bunk bed was empty and I gave Jeanne a questioning look about her roommate. “She rarely comes here because her boy friend goes to college here as well.” She whispered as I nodded and tears started flowing down my face. She threw her bag down before pulling me into a hug. I held her as she pushed me down on her bed and turned off the lights and crawled in next to me, holding me close. 

I let out quiet tears as she stroked my head. Out of all the things that I have been through in life this had to be the worst. Marco was someone that I had hoped I would never lose, but now that it was slipping by I was trying my best to hold on. I was a coward and I knew that but now everyone else was noticing it too.  
“Shh, Jean it is going to be okay. Try to get some sleep.” My eyes closed as she spoke, and I gripped the side of her shirt in my hand. I hadn’t wanted to throw all of this at her, but at the same time I am glad she is here. I forced myself to talk, knowing that if I didn’t I would regret it.

“Jeanne, I love you.” I felt her smile as she kissed my head in the sisterly way she always did.

“I love you to Jean, but you should really get some sleep.” I missed Marco, and the thought of him being next to me. I didn’t know if I would be able to face him, but I knew that I would have to eventually. My breathing slowed to a normal speed as my nightmares caught up to me once again and I was dragged into them with nowhere to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Lovely's!  
> Finally I update again! I am so sorry that it took so long and that the chapter is so short! I have had things cluttered in my head, and I have been busy with school and volleyball. I am also sorry for the torture of this chapter and the wait.
> 
> I am taking requests for future chapters, and if you have a suggestion for a One Shot you would like me to write or something with a ship or person I may know; please just ask. I want to be able to write more often, and I promise I will try harder but it is hard since I have homework every night and volleyball quite often.
> 
> I love you all and I hope you are doing amazing <3

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoyed my first chapter, and I am looking forward to be able to share this with all of you readers. I truly hope I can catch your attention and maybe have some people enjoy my writing. Please feel free to leave comments and some feed back, I would love to see some people actually caring. Also, do not be afraid to make some corrections for me or comment things that you would like to read in the future! All I ask is that there aren't any hateful comments that could make me or others feel bad about themselves.  
> ^.^  
> I am hoping to post every week or so; so I hope that I can get at least a few readers to look forward to that. Enjoy your week everyone, I hope to see some feedback soon :)


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